Sunday, November 23, 2008

Max Payne, 1/5

Rated PG-13. Click here to view the trailer.

A word of advice to the people who perpetrated Max Payne on the unsuspecting public: when you’re making a bad movie, it’s best not to choose a title with a homophone of “pain” in the title. And don't lie to me, you knew you were making a bad movie. We're talking Elektra-bad here, folks.

There’s absolutely nothing right with this movie. It’s so bad, it’s beyond the realm so-bad-it’s-good. When Ludacris turns in the best acting performance in a movie that includes Mark "Say Hi to Your Mother For Me" Wahlberg, Mila Kunis and Olga Kurylenko, three actors I actually really like, something somewhere has gone horribly wrong. In this case, it’s pretty much everything, not the least of which is that the movie is based on a just-slightly above average video game from the late 90s, yet doesn’t resemble it in the slightest.

Max Payne (Wahlberg, acting as if he’s high on horse tranquilizers) is dark and brooding NYC detective. He’s pissed off at the world and lets you know it. His wife and baby son were murdered several years ago and he spends his nights tracking the killers down. Sasha (Kurylenko) might be able to lead him to someone that knows what happened, but before she can help, she is brutally murdered and Max is framed for the crime by Luda. With the help of Sasha’s sister (Kunis), he breaks free and goes on a murderous rampage. It sounds halfway interesting, but it’s not. Trust me.

Did I mention there are demonic valkyries patrolling the airspace of New York, ready to snatch people up and shred them to mincemeat with their large talons? 'Cause yeah, there are totally demonic valkyries patrolling the airspace of New York, ready to snatch people up and shred them to mincemeat with their large talons. Napoleon Dynamite would be terrified.

You should be too.

Bolt, 4/5

Rated PG. Click here to view the trailer.

ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF slightly above average lost-dog-finds-his-way-home story saved by quirky pigeons and a feisty hamster ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF John Travolta makes a good dog ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF Miley Cyrus's unusually deep voice bothers me ARF ARF ARF ARF Hey, they just got in a Finding Nemo dig ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF who is Susie Essman and who decided she'd make a good cat? ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF. Pretty good little CGI cartoon, though certainly not a Pixar-instant classic ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF nice shout out to Missouri! ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF it's worth watching for the pigeons ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Role Models, 4/5

Rated R. Click here to view the trailer.

Role Models is a hopeful, funny little movie with a great personality. It's just that it hides behind an such abrasive front, that I didn't notice it until the brilliant and inspired final act. It's a lot like the children asigned to "big brothers" Seann William Scott and Paul Rudd: They all might take a little coaxing to come out of their shell, but there's something worth loving in there. On three, everybody: Awwwwwwwwwwwww.

Danny (Rudd) and Wheeler (Scott) are two energy drink salesmen who go around with a distinct lack of energy as they peddle their noxious "Minotaur" at area schools. Wheeler is an optimistic slacker who enjoys the fact that he can do his job well while hungover and/or high, which is one of the few perks of dressing like a minotaur all day. Danny is a depressed underachiever who is having trouble with his lawyer girlfriend (Elizabeth Banks), his job, the local coffee shop, a surly tow truck driver and pretty much the rest of the world.

After a particularly bad day, they run afoul the law and are faced with two options: 30 days jail, or 150 hours of community service with Sturdy Wings, a Big Brothers, Big Sisters knock-off run by former coke-fiend Jane Lynch. Danny is assigned to Augie (the perpetually congested McLovin, Christopher Mintz-Plasse), a nerd of epic proportions who lives for medieval reenactment/role playing events . Wheeler's young charge is Ronnie (Bobb'e J. Thompson), an incredibly "challenging" 10-year-old who is every adult's nightmare. The "Bigs" and "Littles" venture out into the world together and hilarity ensues. But here's the thing: Hilarity actually ensues. I know. I was just as surprised as you.

It's those genuine laughs and again, the surprise third act, that pull it all together. The cast is superb and they milk the script (co-written by Rudd) for all it's worth. Rudd has a goofy smile and wry delivery that would make you laugh as he read a Waffle House menu, and Scott is just enough of a wise-cracking jerk to be a really great, really funny friend. Mintz-Plasse and Thompson bring depth to what could have easily been throw away roles and Jane Lynch, well, God bless her, she's just awesome.

Sure, we see where things are going (Bigs and Littles dislike/distrust each other initially, they go on various adventures, slowly bond, there's a crisis where they "break up," then they eventually form a friendship stronger than any court order as the closing credits roll). That's mostly the case here, but there are actual, genuine laughs along the away and there's a surprise final act that I don't think anyone in their right mind saw coming. There are hints along the way, but it's just so out there that it's still a surprise. Who knew that was still possible in today's movie world? Kudos to Rudd and his writing partners for playing things close to the chest then springing things on us at the exact right time.

Yes, it deserves its R rating, but beyond its crass facade, Role Models is pretty warm and cuddly inside.

Appaloosa, 2/5


Rated R. Click here to view the trailer.

Westerns, as a genre, have never really done it for me. As of this morning, there were exactly three westerns I've liked (Quigley Down Under, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, and of course, Blazing Saddles). Now that I've sat though two long hours of Appaloosa, there are still three.

Lawmen Virgil (Ed Harris) and Everett (Viggo Mortesen) stroll into the sleepy town of Appaloosa (were there ever any wide awake towns in the Old West?) to rid the town of local badman, Bragg (Jeremy Irons). Bragg, among other personality flaws, gunned down the previous sheriff and this has understandably caused the town aldermen no small amount of stress. Somewhere in there, Miss Allie (the oh so unfortunate looking Renee Zelleweger) enters the picture and inexplicably catches the eye of the good guys and all the bad ones too. I know attractive women-folk were often a rare commodity in 1886 New Mexico, but surely the men weren't this desperate. Everett follows Virgil around like a love-sick puppy dog and it's just weird. No, we're not venturing into Brokeback Mountain territory here, but there is a definite Cowboy Bromance going on.

The real conflict isn't between the two marshals and Bragg. It's supposed to be between our two heroes and the Little Miss Scrunchy Face. Between the Law and feelings. Too bad I wasn't convinced any of those.

Harris is so bland it's impossible to enjoy his character. I've never been a fan of Mortensen and his take on this walking SAT-Vocabulary-Flash-Card-Set of a deputy didn't win me over. Zellweger doesn't have a "good personality" nor is she funny. She officially has nothing going for her. I'm sorry. That's a horrible, horrible thing to say. But seriously, she looks like she just had an allergic reaction to some shellfish.

The lone bright spot is Jeremy Irons. His scenes are the only ones worth watching. I also liked Everett's umm... occasional lady-friend, played by Ariadna Gil.

Harris directed the movie and he fared about as well behind the camera as he did in front of it. The editing is clumsy and music was at times distracting. The script is way too long and skipped right over the natural, satisfying ending and took a logical u-turn and went along for two more subplots and 45 minutes. The actual ending is lame, as if one of the stray bullets got it in the leg.

Did I mention Peter Pettigrew plays one of the town aldermen? Yeah. He does.

Oh, and note to Mr. Harris: Westerns aren't supposed to have narrators.

Quantum of Solace, 4/5


Rated PG-13. Click here to view the trailer.

I had a good time at the 12:01 screening of Quantum of Solace, but this reborn series could very easily become derailed.

The great problem with the first 20 Bond films is that they pretty much all blend together. Of course, Bond’s personality, the arsenal of cool gadgetry, colorful super-villains, volcano hideouts and the bevy of femme fatales with hilarious names overpowered the series’ monotony and created an endearing character for the ages. Solace, the 22nd in the series and the second of the Daniel Craig era, suffers the same problem as the original 20, but doesn’t have the charm. Instead of an evil mastermind hell bent on building a space station to hold the world hostage, we have a smarmy French real-estate speculator who desires to buy 60 percent of Bolivian utilities companies. NOOOOOOO! TAKE 55 PERCENT, BUT NOT 60! He doesn't even cry blood. There is no Q, no Money Penny, no gadgets and no humor. Heck, Bond seems to have taken a True Love Waits pledge and doesn’t even attempt to bed Camille (Olga Kurylenko). At least there’s a decent opening titles song/montage, courtesy of Jack White.

Bond #22 begins moments after Casino Royale ended, leaving Bond aching to avenge the death of his love, Vesper Lynd (thus making it the first true Bond sequel). The plot details got a little hazy (but hey, it’s a Bond film, so who cares?), but he traces her killers to Bolivia and finds himself mixed up in a suspicious land deal between Dominic Greene (the aforementioned smarmy Frenchman) and an ambitious Bolivian general with eyes on the Presidential Mansion in La Paz. Camille also has a beef with Greene/Mr. President–elect and so does the CIA. Along the way Bond kills lots of people. Lots. TONS. One of his unintended victims is Agent (Strawberry?) Fields (Gemma Arterton), who I mention only because I have thing for redheads.

Solace moves along at a decent clip, but the action scenes were so frantic and edited to death that I was confused during the obligatory car chase. And boat chase, and plane chase, and horse chase and motorcycle chase. Director Marc Foster tries to emulate the urgent, immersive style of the Bourne films, but the main difference is that those sequence were coherent and a viewer could follow the action. I consider myself pretty savvy when it comes to action sequences and these are subpar.

Thematically, it's full-throttle revenge. Duty, and sex take a back seat as it turns out that avenging a loved one's death can do a lot for your determination and pain threshold. In other words, he is Batman. Does Bond really need such a strong theme to make a movie work? Is achieving some small quantum of solace (Hey! That's the title of the movie!) a good enough excuse to make me sit in a theater for 106* minutes? I'm not sure. It's interesting, I'll give you that, but I'm not sure how far it can take us.

One area where you can’t fault Solace in its acting corps. Although I’ve just criticized Craig’s Bond, the problem is the script, not in Craig’s acting. He was awesome in Royale and he’s just as awesome here. I don’t throw “sexy” around very often when talking about men, but heck, it fits. Holy crap, he look great in a tux. Dench is awesome as M, even if her character is little bit wishy washy, trusting Bond, losing faith, trusting, losing faith, blah blah blah. The villain, played by Mathieu Almaric, is creepy and frightening, even if his scheme is pedestrian and ridiculousloy white collar. Kurylenko is quietly alluring but Jeffrey Wright, an actor I’m normally quite fond of, sleep walks through his role as CIA spook Felix Leiter.

Royale blew audiences away because it was so new and different. The same goes for Craig. His was a darker, more damaged Bond and we all ate it up. This new offering tastes the same and my jaw could soon get tired of chewing, even if it hasn't just yet. A great action film to be sure, Solace doesn’t have the fresh feeling Royale did, and doesn't quite make it into the echelons of the greatest Bond flicks. Craig and Co. had better figure out how to balance realistic action and stoicism with some of the original Bond elements that made the series so darn loveable. I’m giving them a pass them time, but next time around I won’t be so generous.


*This is the shortest Bond film ever, and a full 44 minutes shorter than Casino Royale.

The House Bunny, 3/5

Rated PG-13. Click here to view the trailer.

My sister's seven-word review pretty much says it all. "It's OK, but the beginning is unbearable."

If you can just get past that unbearable opening the rest of the movie is... well, actually Kelly was right. It's pretty forgettable.

Anna Farris is Shelly, a former Playboy Bunny kicked out of the mansion because she is too old for Hef's taste. I guess 27 is the new 40. Homeless and witless she stumbles upon Greek Row at a local college and becomes a House Mother to an ugly duckling sorority. "It's just like a mini Playboy Mansion!" Surprise, surprise, she teaches them how to be sexy and they teach her that life isn't all about looking good. It's Revenge of the Nerds, but with halter tops. Offering a reason to grow up is Shelly's crush, played by Colin Hanks.

There are a few laughs but the movie is too broad and heavy handed to pull off the sweet feeling I think they were going for. The sorority girls are all no-names with subpar acting skills, except for Kat Dennings who must have owed someone money. Hanks, who was really good in Orange County, is an utter waste as the manager of a nursing home, or as Shelley puts it, "an orphanage for old people."

If there is a saving grace, it's Faris. She is pretty, funny and is willing to go all out for the laugh. I hope Hollywood does her a favor and gives her better material.




Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa, 2.5/5

Rated PG. Click here to view the trailer.

Don't get me wrong, I like to move it move it as much as the next guy, but Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa just didn't do it do it for me.

First of all, the movie picks up in Madagascar where the original left off, which means if there's to be any escaping, it will be FROM Africa, not TO (2) Africa. Geography lesson aside, here's the skinny:

Our quartet of marooned NYC urban-jungle dwellers are attempting to escape from their island "paradise" and able to do so with the aid of some very skilled (and verbose) penguins and a few thousand helpful lemurs under the command of King Julien (voice of Sacha Baron Cohen). Alex the Lion (Ben Stiller), Gloria the Hippo (Jada Pinkett Smith), Melman the Giraffe (David Schwimmer) and Marty the Zebra (Chris Rock) are desperate to make it back to their lives of comfort, but wouldn'tyaknowit, there's a problem and their plane crashes in a wildlife preserve in sub-Saharan Africa. Apparently this is Real Africa, and Madagascar is just Poser Africa.

There are a few funny moments here (penguins with switchblades are inherently funny... surprisingly, so are dying giraffes), but it's missing the charm and simplicity of the original. There are too many new characters introduced and too many new subplots. Perhaps the biggest crime is that one new character is voiced by Alec Baldwin and it isn't a homerun. Tragic. The rest of the high-profile voice talent (including Bernie Mac, Cedric the Entertainer, Andy Richter and will.i.am) are all OK, but aside from Cohen's King Julien and the crew of Penguins (Tom McGrath, Chris Miller, Christopher Knights and Conrad Vernon), it's all a wash.

I know I like to talk about movies in terms of elements of other movies, but in this case, the movie makers just got lazy. Madagascar 2 blatantly mashes together the EXACT plots of The Lion King, Lord of the Flies, and - wait for it - Joe Versus the Volcano to come up with an "original" story.

It's not a bad movie by any means, and it's worth spending $6 bucks to take the kid. It's just not near as fun or original as it should be.