Star Trek, 4.5/5

Rated PG-13. Click here to view the trailer.

Review Coming Soon!

Paul Blart: Mall Cop, 3.5/5

Rated PG. Click here to view the trailer.

Review Coming Soon!

Observe and Report, 2.5/5

Rated R. Click here to view the trailer.

This is one nutjob of a movie and it desperately needs to get back on its meds.

Seth Rogen stars as Ronnie Barnhardt, a bi-polar, washed out rent-a-cop at the local mall who takes his job waaaaaaay too seriously. And not in a fun way. We're talking obey-me-or-I'll-take-you-to-Sbarro-and-shove-your-face-in-the-pizza-oven kind of seriously. He desperately wants to become a real cop there no real need, since his current gig provides him plenty of opportunities to drawn his sidearm and pick on minorities. At one point, the cops are called in to remove an off-his-meds Ronnie from the mall and he takes them all on as if he were Samson with a mag light.

The plot centers on Ronnie's efforts to capture a "serial flasher," but the movie is more about his descent into rage-filled madness. I'm told his character is very similar to Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver, but - embarrassed as I am to admit it - I've never seen it. He kind of reminded me of Kurtz from Heart of Darkness/Apocolypse Now.

There are two polar opposite love stories (sort of) in the movie, one with cute coffee shop girl Nell (Collette Wolf) and another with the heavily made up and foul mouthed Brandy (Anna Faris). Nell has an utterly inexplicable crush on Ronnie, but he's so blinded by lust for Brandy that he can't see it.

Director Jody Hill relishes in making the audience uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure he meant the movie to be this way, but this is not the movie I meant to see. Observe and Report has been marketed as a comedy and but there are no real laughs in the film. The jokes that are there made me feel decidely uncomfortable. Because the cast includes Seth Rogen, I was expecting a little more of an Apatow flavor, which made the lack of any joy whatsoever all the more jarring. The best way I can describe it is cognitive dissonance. Even the poster is misleading. It should show Seth Rogen beating a 12-year-old into a coma with a skate-board then licking the blood off the splinters and shooting up more heroin.

Even though I didn't like the characters (accept for poor, sweet Nell), the actors did what they were asked to do and did it well. Rogen will never be an Oscar-winner, but he did an admirable job playing the playing a dark, disturbing part. Michael Pena was enjoyable as fellow mall cop Dennis, and Aziz Ansari (Tom from Parks and Recreation) was the humor apex of the movie. Most reviews I've read raved about Anna Faris, but here she just creeped me out. I suppose since that's what her character is supposed to do, you could call it a success. But why would you want to?

Observe and Report is a kind of brilliant, but not any kind of brilliant I want to "get" or be around. It's mean, depressing, nihilistic and doesn't mind slapping you in the face just when you think it's heart might be softening a little. Boo.

Maybe I'm losing any apprecation for "art" in my old age. If so, fine. I can be happier without it.

Slumdog Millionaire, 4/5

Rated R. Click here to view the trailer.

(Yeah, I just now saw Slumdog Millionaire. I’m behind the times.)

It's is a good movie, but I’m not quite convinced it’s really that good a movie. A Best Picture winner should be awesome, and Slumdog Millionaire just isn’t there.

The movie begins with Jamal (Dev Patel) in an interrogation cell. He’s a suspected cheat on the Indian version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He’s answered all but the final, 20,000 rupee question but how is he doing it? He’s an ignorant Untouchable. A minority Muslim who has grown up on the streets and in the gutters, stealing what he can to survive. A slumdog (Hey! That's the title of the movie!).

So the show’s producers torture him (seriously?) to find out how he immediately knows trivia like who’s face is on the American $100 bill, the inventor of the revolver and the name of third Musketeer. As luck would have it, the troubles and trials of his hard-knock life play out like Trivial Pursuit cheat sheet and we flash back to episodes from his childhood, adolescence and teenage years as he explains his answers for each one. It’s a clever plot structure, even if it is a little inelegant.

Along with the trivia lessons, we watch Jamal (played as a boy by Ayush Mahesh Khedekar) and his brother, Salim (Azharuddin Mohammed Ismail) struggle to survive as orphaned Oliver Twists. They meet up with Latika (Rubiana Ali) and Jamal instantly falls in love with her. The three are “rescued” by a corrupt leader of an orphanage, where unbelievably horrible things happen. Events happen, things transpire, and boys have to leave Latika behind. When we catch up with them a few year later, Latika works as a “dancer” while Jamal and Salim are hustling tourist and stealing shoes at the Taj Mahal. Ever the romantic, Jamal hasn’t forgotten about Latika. Later, Salim turns to the Dark Side and it's Jamal’s undying love for his long-lost Latika that inspires him to try out for the game show in the hopes that she is watching.

The contrast between the muddy slums and, well, anything resembling civilization is striking. It’s almost unbelievable that people still live this way, and India isn’t even as bad as some of its neighbors. The acting is also surprisingly strong, especially among the children. Patel is very good as well. Pinto doesn’t really do much in the movie except look pretty, but that’s OK because she is pretty. The Indian version of Regis Philbin, Anil Kapoor, stole the show for me. His beard creeped me out, but in a good way. Director Danny Boyle (Train Spotting) keeps things interesting visually, but there was so much going on that I was exhausted by the time the credits rolled.

It’s colorful, gritty, tells an engrossing story and we all know I love a good destiny-driven love story. But I feel the movie banks too much on its novelty and makes use of an extremely artificial and patronizing narrative structure. Imagine if the story took place in Omaha with the US version of the game show. I have a feeling that’s what probably what Indians think of Slumdog Millionaire. I doubt it would have won eight Oscars if Americans weren’t so eager to prove to each other that we care about the plight of orphans of India. I may be projecting a little bit here, but each time I hear someone sing its praises I also hear them saying “Oh how cute! They have Who Wants to be a Millionaire too! They think they’re just like us!” or “Look at me! I enjoy a Bollywood film! I’m so multicultual!” Force an American movie go-er to watch a real Bollywood production, and I have a feeling they’d start throwing popcorn at the screen within 20 minutes.

(For an accessible Indian movie actually made by an Indian, check out Monsoon Wedding. Though it's not true Bollywood either.)

Monsters vs. Aliens, 4/5

Rated PG. Click here to view the trailer. (I did not see the 3D version. Poor me. I'm told it was not annoying and added to the experience.)

For the first ten minutes, I wasn’t a fan of Monsters vs. Aliens. It was a little slow, the 3D character models were off-putting and I was plagued by PG-13 questions like how can a woman standing at the altar in a wedding dress grow from 5’8 to 49’11” and not bust out of her dress? From about minute 11 however, things picked up and they picked up fast.

This latest computer animated movie from DreamWorks, brings together the goodhearted snark of Shrek and the pulpy goodness of classic sci-fi standbys to bring us a surprisingly entertaining movie.

We open with our heroine, Susan (voiced by Reese Witherspoon), a giddy bride-to-be who is suddenly struck by a meteor from deepest space, darn the luck. The meteor is imbued with some wunder-element (I’m don’t remember the name… it may have been flubber), which not only causes her to survive the impact, but bleaches her hair and rudely interrupts her nuptials by causing one heck of a growth spurt. Derek, her fiancé (Paul “I can do better than I Love You, Man” Rudd), suffers a bout with Little Man Complex and breaks it off. Susan isn’t thrilled with that and gives new meaning to “bridezilla.”

Enter General W.R. Monger (Kiefer Sutherland), an R. Lee Emery wannabe in charge of a secret government facility home to other captured freaks. His charges also include the amphibious Missing Link (Will Arnett), the blob-like BOB (Seth Rogen), and a mad-scientist cockroach hybrid (Hugh Laurie). They’re all more or less resigned to their fate (Susan aka Ginormica less so) until suddenly Earth is in need of a savior against an invading alien force led by Galaxhar (Rainn Wilson). It’s only natural that the vaguely Reagan-looking president (Stephen Colbert) would enlist the monsters, led by the resourceful and confident Susan as she begins to warm to her Ginormica identity. Who else is he going to call? The Ghostbusters are clearly unqualified.

That’s pretty much it. It’s a pretty simple story with minimal plot, but unilateral conflict is a theme as old as time: Man vs. Nature, Labor vs. Management, Red Sox vs. Yankees, Cowboys vs. Indians. Why not Monsters vs. Aliens? The fun comes in with the playful manic humor of each of the “monsters,” particularly Seth Rogen’s gelatinous BOB. A little bit of Rogen goes a long way in my book, but here his casting was spot-on. Colbert’s president also steals his scenes, successfully and hilariously bridging that cognitive gap between Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Beverly Hills Cop (minor spoiler alert but very funny clip here).

Whatever qualms I had about the character models (Derek the Fiancé, the President and Galaxhar were particularly off-putting), the voice talent more than made up for. In addition to the principals I listed above, the bit part voice actors includes Amy Poehler, Jeffrey Tambor, Ed Helms, Renee Zellweger and John Krasinki.

It’s not a grand slam home run like Wall-E or Finding Nemo, but Monsters vs. Aliens is a rock solid double with two runs batted in.

I Love You Man, 3/5

Rated R. Click here to view the trailer.

I did not love I love You, Man,
I did not love it, Sam I Am.

I would not love it in a box,
It’s not a failure but at that door it knocks.

Paul Rudd’s Peter tries to sell The Hulk's vast estate,
His need for a best man leads to many a man-date.

He finds one in Sidney, and gets a man-crush,
They fart and eat corndogs and rock out to Rush.

I understand Peter’s need for a friend,
To stand by his side ‘til his wedding’s end.

My BFF choie would never be Sidney Fife,
He’s 100 percent Id and insults the wife.

Jason Segel a very likable guy,
But as the slob Mr. Fife, his charm went bye-bye.

Paul Rudd is "The Man" in my book of cliches
But he sleeping walking here; no cheese and all whey.

Rashinda Jones’s Zooey is cute but a bit of a bore,
She’s not much of a character, but she didn’t make me snore.

I really liked bit player Jon Favreau,
He and Jamie Pressly stole the whole show.

The movie’s script is predictable and long,
Projectile vomiting isn’t funny and tone is slightly wrong.

I like the idea of a true bro-mance,
But Paul Rudd’s stature this film failed to enhance.

I appreciate the genre (Knocked Up and its ilk),
But I Love You, Man tasted like passed its prime milk.

Maybe I’m getting too grouchy and old,
This time they forced the Apatow mold.

Its funniest parts are in its trailer,
You won't too laugh and won't need an inhaler.

I did not love I love You, Man,
I did not love it, Sam I Am.

Gran Torino, 4/5

Rated R. Click here to view the trailer.

Have you ever seen that old Clint Eastwood flick, The Outlaw Josie Wales? Gran Torino is pretty much the same movie sort of in reverse, complete with Olympic-caliber spitting, gang violence, copious racial epithets and pantomime gunplay. Gran Torino is set 140 years later and Mr. Eastwood has only gotten older*, wiser and more grizzled. Do I have to tell you he’s still mad-dog mean?

Eastwood is Walt Kowalski, a retired Ford assemblyman who recently lost his wife and he’s pissed off at the world. Well, I guess his wife’s death didn’t have anything to do with it - he’s been pissed off since at least the 50s. Walt – excuse me, Mr. Kowalksi – doesn’t take much crap from anybody, so you can imagine that his lazy children don’t have much use for him, and he has even less use for them. He also doesn’t have much use for minorities of any kind, including but not limited to “Wops, Krauts, Eyeties, Gippos, Bubbles, Froggies, Chinks, Yidds, Jocks, Paddies, Dagoes, those dirty, dirty Belgians”** and especially the Hmong that have “taken over” his neighborhood. It doesn’t help matters when Tao – “Toad” as Walt calls him – tries to steal his cherry 1972 Gran Torino Sport. At the insistence of his sister, Soo, Tao will gradually work off the offense doing chores under Walt’s critical eye. Wouldnjaknowit, Soo and Tao also gradually work their way into Walt’s crusty old heart.

The problem is that the old neighborhood has also been taken over by gangs. “Spook” gangs, “Wetback” gangs, Hmong gangs, etc. etc. and trouble is a-brewin'. Luckily, Korean War vet Walt knows how to deal with a bully. He keeps a cool head and a lot his strategy revolves around pointing his finger at them and saying BANG (much like Chuck Norris, who shot down a German plane in a similar fashion). Don't worry, he uses his fists and plenty of real fire arms too. To watch Eastwood walk around being pissed off is always fun, regardless of which variation of tough guy he’s playing, and it’s very fun in Gran Torino. You will root for this loveable racist old codger.

Gran Torino is pretty good. It’s also pretty funny. Marketing for the film hasn’t touched on that aspect of the script, but there are more than handful of genuinely funny moments, not the least of which is a series of scenes in which Walt teaches Tao to “man up.” I also enjoyed Walt’s banter with rookie priest Father Janovich (Christopher Carley): "I heards there was some trouble in the neighborhood. Why didn't you call the police?" "Well, Father, I prayed for them to come, but nobody answered."

So yeah, it’s pretty good, but there’s a reason it wasn’t nominated for Best Picture. It’s no The Good, The Bad or the Ugly or The Outlaw Josie Wales. It’s also not Mystic River or Million Dollar Baby. The script is very well-written (its author clearly had Eastwood in mind) and it never gets boring. Despite many many many racial slurs, the movie is not offensive nor is it overly preachy in its message seeing past racial boundaries. It stumbles a little in Soo’s dialog. The ending is telegraphed from frame one, but hey, it’s a good ending so why gripe?

Bee Vang who plays Tao and Ahney Her’s Soo are fine. Just “fine.” It’s not Vang’s fault, but I very much wanted to give his character a haircut. He kinda reminds me of my cousin, Kyle. But of course, this is Eastwood’s movie. His character is so crotchety it flirts with caricature, but he’s just so darn fun to watch! I’d like to see Eastwood and Samuel L. Jackson in a contest to see who can get pissed off the most in a 2-hour feature.

Did I mention Eastwood sings over the closing credits? Oh yeah. Worth the price of admission right there.


*His old-man pants are creeping higher on his waist as well. Check out the poster.

**I don’t even know what people group half of these slurs are referring to. Where have I been?

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, 4.5/5

Rated PG-13. Click here to view the trailer.

The spiritual sequel to Forrest Gump, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is the best movie I’ve seen in a while. Yeah, it’s very, very long and has an absurd central premise, but to watch Benjamin Button is to enjoy virtually element of film-making at its best. David Fincher’s direction? Masterful. Eric Roth’s script? Epic. Makeup and special effects? Breathtaking. Brad Pitt’s performance? Stellar. Supporting cast? A delight to watch.

Cate Blanchett? The thesaurus and quite possibly the English language do not contain enough words to do her and her screen presence justice. The best I could come up with is: alluring, angelic, beguiling, bewitching, charming, chic, classy, comely, dazzling, delicate, delightful, enticing, exquisite, fair, fascinating, glowing, graceful, hypnotic, intriguing, magnetic, mesmerizing, pulchritudinous (memo to self: integrate “pulchritudinous” into everyday vocabulary), radiant, resplendent, statuesque, seductive, spellbinding and stunning. Oh, and the woman can act.

Based on the short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald (and apparently “based” only means “we took the title and basic conceit then threw the rest out”), the movie opens in 2005 in a New Orleans hospital. A wrinkled, near-death Daisy (Blanchett) and her daughter (Julia Ormond) are bracing both for her death and for the wrath of Hurricane Katrina which is slowing zeroing in on them. (Why the plot needs the added drama/tension of Katrina, I don’t know and it doesn’t go anywhere) Aware that she is on her deathbed, Daisy asks her daughter, to read allow the diary of a curious stranger, Mr. Benjamin Button.

It tells the story of Benjamin (who else?), a boy born as a tiny, shriveled old raisin of a baby. His cheeks were not rosy, and his bottom was anything but smooth. Horrified at his son’s physical deformities and grief-stricken that his wife died giving birth, the elder Mr. Button abandons him at the steps of a nursing home. Queenie (a very good Taraji P. Henson), takes pity on the wrinkled, arthritic Benjamin and introduces the him to the addled old folks as her sisters’ illegitimate child. Says one old woman,"He looks just like my ex-husband." Queenie replies, “Yes, he is going to face some special problems: the poor boy done come out white.”

From there, Benjamin grows up. Sort of. We begin to see a tiny, ancient hint of Pitt as his physical body grows, and his hairline begins to procede as he ages backwards. He meets Daisy, a precocious, red-headed seven-year-old granddaughter of one the home’s residents. They’re both seven years old, even though Button is hunchbacked and still looks looks and sounds the part of an octogenarian with a young boy's urge to play in the dirt. It’s a little disconcerting at first, but any queasiness is soon forgotten.

At 17 – and with the physical body of a 65 year-old man - Button decides sow his wild oats. He gets a job on a tug boat, travels to Russia, shares an old subplot with Tilda Swinton and eventually even sinks a Japanese submarine. Daisy also leaves the nest, dancing her way through New York and Europe. Eventually our star-crossed lovers’ ages will meet (Daisy on the way up, Benjamin on the way down). The intersection of their lives and flawed love is both heartwarming and heartbreaking.

“Heartwarming and heartbreaking” pretty much sums up the whole movie, but there are a few minor glitches. The clock (you have to see the movie) is a beautiful metaphor, but I'm not sure it meshes very well with the rest of the film. Tilda Swinton’s tangent is unnecessary, but she’s such an intriguing actress, it’s not really a problem. Age makeup can often be distracting and unconvincing, but the makeup artists struck a balance between showing the ravages of time and letting the undeniable physical beauty of both actors shine through. Who would have thought it was possible for a 42-year-old mother of two (Blanchett) could convincingly play a character at 17 years, 84 years, and every age in between?

My main qualm is the no one seems all that surprised that Benjamin gets younger and stronger after beginning life looking a miniature Joe Paterno. Other than his father, no one seems the least bit non-plussed. Where’s the team of scientists? The movie takes place just after the birth of yellow journalism, so where is the paparazzi? Where was P.T. Barnum or Robert Ripley?

Whatever small flaws that might exist, Blanchett and Pitt each do yeoman's work. For years I dismissed Mr. Jolie as a pretty boy coasting on his good looks. He may not be the white Sidney Poitier, but he's a top notch actor. As for Blanchett, she has a way to adding just the right touch to her dialog and there is genuine emotion in her eyes.

I mentioned that Benjamin Button is the spiritual sequel to Forrest Gump. It feels much the same and the plot has the same sweeping, episodic feel (Eric Roth penned both scripts). Like Gump, You’ll be exhausted by the time it’s over, but you’ll be satisfied at watching the drama that is a man’s life.

The Spirit, 1.5/5

Rated R. Click here to view the trailer.

I find it impossible to review The Spirit. I can’t tell if it’s a send up of itself or if it is a just a complete and utter failure of a film noir-ish comic book and wannabe-cousin to Sin City. There about an 85 percent chance that I didn't "get" it. In a departure from the normal formula, I’m simply going to describe the plot in detail, and you can decide for yourself if it is a movie you’d like to watch. You might also be interested to know it has a 14 percent freshness rating at Rotten Tomatoes.

Gabriel Macht (Gabriel who?) is The Spirit. He likes cats, wears red ties and runs around in Chuck Taylors. He was once a plucky, idealistic rookie cop who was killed in the line of duty. He is brought back to life and made nearly invincible by the coroner. Whenever he comes close to death, we see Lorelei (Jamie King), a sparkly and blue Angel of Death. That coroner is the Octopus, as played by Samuel L. Jackson. Just so you know, the Octopus only has two arms and two legs. Also, you know that weird brown/black/red “stain” that dogs have around their eyes? The Octopus has those, too.

The Octopus (I keep using his name and not a pronoun because the movie keeps repeating this unexplained moniker) is pretty well invincible too. The Octopus and The Spirit fight in a mud bog. The Spirit punches the Octopus 38 times in a row. POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! The Octopus breaks a toilet over The Spirit’s head. The Spirit pulls a sword out of that was buried hilt-deep in his gut. Later in the movie, the Octopus suffers six gunshots to the head. The Octopus leans over, shakes the Octopus's head, and the bullets fall out. “Smells like scrambled eggs.”

Yeah... I forgot to mention that the Octopus has a thing about eggs. At times the Octopus seems to like eggs, and at other times, the Octopus doesn’t. The Octopus definitely does not like brown eggs. Dirty, dirty brown eggs.

When the Octopus isn’t pontificating on eggs, the Octopus and the Octopus’s assistant, Silken Floss (Scarlet Johansson) are on a quest to obtain the blood of Heracles (Hercules), and apparent immortality. Despite what you’re hoping, Kevin Sorbo does not make an appearance.

Then there’s Sand Serif, played by the exceptionally curvy Eva Mendes. She was a childhood sweetheart of the man-who-would-become The Spirit. She extorts millions of dollars from other criminals, gives the money to charity, then kills them and Her wardrobe was likely designed by Frederick’s of Hollywood. Instead of being obsessed with the blood of Kevin Sorbo, she is more interest in another ancient artifact of ancient Greece, the golden fleece of Jason and the Argonauts. Wouldnjaknowit, Serif has what the Octopus wants, and the Octopus has what she wants.

At some point, The Octopus – decked out in full Nazi garb, jack boots and monocle included – captures The Spirit and sends in a French belly dancer/cutlery enthusiast named Ms. Paris. Her first name? Plaster. Plaster of Paris. Seriously? I'll reluctantly give Sand Serif a pass simply because I love typography so darn much but Plaster of Paris?

Oh, I forgot to mention the Stooge-esque role of The Octopus’s cloned henchmen (Louis Lombardi): Pathos and Ethos and Logos and Huevos (remember, the Octopus has a thing for eggs) and Rancheros and Adios and Amigos and Pogos and Bozos and Matzos and Fatsos… I’ll stop here. I'd hate to ruin one of the true great climaxes of modern cinema. You'd better run out and snatch up a ticket before the lines get to choked with fans desperate to drink of the sweet, sweet cinematic nectar that is The Spirit.

It's An Honor Just to be Nominated

Please forgive the extremely crude Photoshopping

Forget the Oscars. Who cares about the Golden Globes? For Hollywood's elite, there's only one true measure of greatness: Brian's Crimson Ticket Stub of Prestige, also known to industry insiders as the Stubbie.

And the Stubbie Goes to...

Best Comedy
The nominees:

• Juno
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall
• Tropic Thunder
• Ghost Town
• Role Models
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Juno. It was a very close race between Juno and Sarah Marshall, but Juno's pathos, wit and lack of Jonah Hill made it very appealing.


Best Action-Adventure
The nominees:

• Indiana Jones IV
  
• The Dark Knight
  
• Iron Man
  
• Eagle Eye
• Wanted
• Quantum of Solace.
  

And the Stubbie goes to... The Dark Knight. Honestly, there was no way I could not give the Stubbie to this masterpiece. Quantum of Solace and Wanted tie for runners up.


Best Drama
The nominees:

• Smart People
• Atonement
  
• Fireproof
  
• Australia
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Atonement! Even though the ending made me furious, I can't deny this is a great movie.


Best Musical
The nominees:

• Walk Hard
  
• Mamma Mia
  
• An American Carol

And the Stubbie goes to... bleh. They aren't worthy. We here at the Stubbies have standards.



Best Sequel
The nominees:

• Rambo
• Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
• Indiana Jones IV
• The Dark Knight
• Madagascar 2
• Quantum of Solace
• RocknRolla

And the Stubbie goes to... Indiana Jones IV! I know, I know. How can I possibly rank Indy and the Incredible Flying Fridge over The Dark Knight? Sure, TDK was a much better movie (and didn't have any prairie dogs) but Indy IV had a certain charm and despite popular opinion, I think it contiued the spirit of Dr. Jones as well as possibly could be expected.



Longest Movie
The nominees:

• Australia
• The Dark Knight
• Appaloosa
• Speed Racer
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Australia! It clocked in at a whopping 165 minutes.



Best Animated Feature
The nominees:

• Bee Movie
• Horton Hears a Who!
  
• Kung Fu Panda
• Bolt
  
• Speed Racer
• Madagascar 2
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Kung Fu Panda! Despite disliking it the first go 'round, its stock rose significantly when I was forced to see a second time in a group.



Best Movie That Is Pretty Good But I Don't Need To See It Again
The nominees:

• Australia
• Attonement
• Burn After Reading
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Australia! I'm sorry, Baz, but life is too short.


Best Movie that Should Have Sucked But Didn't
The nominees:

• Fireproof
  
• Marley and Me
• Get Smart
• Ghost Town
  
• Role Models
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Fireproof! Way to go, Kirk Cameron! It was a virtual dead heat for FP, Ghost Town and Role Models, but my expectations for FP were just so darn low, it's hard not to declare it the winner.


Movie I Should Have Walked Out of But Didn't
The nominees:

• Bee Movie
  
• Step Brothers
  
• Speed Racer
• Mamma Mia!
• Max Payne
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Mamma Mia! My blood pressure is rising just thinking about it.


Best Movie That is Stupid But I Still Kinda Like It
The nominees:

• Marley & Me
• Eagle Eye
  
• The House Bunny
  

And the Stubbie goes to... The House Bunny! There's no denying that Anna Faris has talent.

Most Disappointing
The nominees:

• Walk Hard
  
• Speed Racer
• Step Brothers
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Step Brothers! I was embarrassed to be seen in the theater.


Best Surprise Ending
The nominees:

• Role Models
  
• Atonement
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Role Models! Yeah, Sarah Marshall's puppet rock opera was all sorts of awesome, but the epic and surprisingly warm ending to Role Models gives it the advantage.


Worst Surprise Ending
The nominees:

• Atonement
  
• Role Models
  
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Atonement! I almost let an expletive slip when the big twist hit.


What Were They Thinking?
The nominees:

• Hancock
  
• Max Payne
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Max Payne! I like Mark Wahlberg, but I have limits. He crossed them.


Most Overrated
The nominees:

• Atonement
• Bee Movie
  
• Walk Hard
• Appaloosa
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Bee Movie! Why Jerry? Why? What did I ever do to you?


Best Special Effects
The nominees:

• Speed Racer
• Indy IV
• Wanted
• Dark Knight
• The Day the Earth Stood Still
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Wanted! Me likey curvy bullets



Best Costume Design (suggested by Kelly)
The nominees:

• Atonement
  
• Semi-Pro
• Australia
• Appaloosa
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Semi-Pro! You gotta love Will Ferrell in those short shorts.



Most Misguided Will Ferrel Vehicle
The nominees:

• Semi-Pro
  
• Step Brothers
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Step Brothers! Will and John C. Reilly should both be ashamed.


Best Movie to Knit To (ie: you don't have to pay that much attention to it) (suggested by Kelly)
The nominees are:

• Horton Hears a Who!
  
• Kung Fu Panda
• Tropic Thunder
• Madagascar 2

And the Stubbie goes to... Tropic Thunder! It's a movie full of great one-liners. You can tune in and out at will and I promise you'll land on a laugh.



Best Actor/Actress
The nominees are:

• Ellen Page, Juno
• Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
• Ed Harris, Appaloosa
• Nicole Kidman, Australia

And the Stubbie goes to... the late Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight! Ms. Page did a phenomenal job as Juno, but Mr. Ledger too it to a whole 'nother level.


Best Soundtrack
The nominees are:

• Mamma Mia
• Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
• How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
  

And the Stubbie goes to... How to Lose Friends! I know I'm supposed to pick Nick and Norah, but that's just how I roll.



Best Remake
The nominees are:

• The Day the Earth Stood Still
• Journey to the Center of Earth
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Journey to the Center of the Earth. Say what you will, I like Brenden Frasier.


Outstanding Achievement in a Cameo Appearence
The nominees are:

• Justin Long, Paul Rudd, Jack Black, Jason Schwartzman, Walk Hard
• Tom Cruise, Tropic Thunder
• Thandie Newton, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
• Neil Patrick Harris, Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

And the Stubbie goes to.... Justin Long, Paul Rudd, Jack Black and Jason Schartzman! This was probaly the toughest decision yet, but their turn as the fab four was by far the best part of Walk Hard.


Best Use of Seth Rogan
The nominees are:

• Pineapple Express
  
• Kung Fu Panda
  
• Horton Hears a Who!
• Step Brothers
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Pineapple Express! I didn't especially love the movie, but he was perfectly cast.


Worst Use of Seth Rogan
The nominees are:

• Pineapple Express
  
• Kung Fu Panda
  
• Horton Hears a Who!
• Step Brothers
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Horton Hears a Who! I don't get it. Why.



Best Use of Jonah Hill
The nominees:

• Walk Hard
  
• Horton Hears a Who
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Forgetting Sarah Marshall! Who knew he could be funny?


Worst Use of Jonah Hill
The nominees:

• Walk Hard
• Horton Hears a Who
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Walk Hard! Ugh.


Outstanding Achievement in the Casting of Paul Rudd
The nominees:

• Walk Hard
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall
• Role Models
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Role Models! Way to go, buddy!



Best Performance by a Rapper turned Actor
The nominees:

• Ludacris, Max Payne
• Ludacris, RocknRolla

And the Stubbie goes to... Ludacris, RocknRolla! Seriously, he's a decent actor.



Best Movie Based on a Book
The nominees are:

• Atonement
• Marley & Me
• Horton Hears a Who!
• An American Carol
• How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
• Journey to the Center of the Earth
  

And the Stubbie goes to... Atonement! Even though it's not my cup of tea, I must say it's a great translation of a great book.


Best Movie Based on True Story
The nominees are:

• The Express
• Marley & Me
• How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
  
• Expelled

And the Stubbie goes to... Marley & Me. Yeah. That's how much The Express annoyed me. I picked the dog movie.

2008 By the Numbers

Movies Seen: 53 (45 + 8 repeats)
Average Score: 3.2/5
Different Venues: Nine, spread over three states
Buckets of popcorn: Two (I just don't buy popcorn at the movies)
Movies seen at the Drive-in: Two (Get Smart, Kung Fu Panda)
Money spent (approximate): $375
Time spent in theaters (not including trailers and credits): 95 hours and 11 minutes (or 49 minutes shy of four days, 1.1 percent of 2008).
Number of words used to review movies: 26,474
Celebrities met/interviewed/photographed: One (Ben Stein in Expelled)
Most movies seen in one day: Four (An American Carol, Momma Mia, Eagle Eye, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People)
12:01 a.m. premiers seen: Three (Iron Man, Indiana Jones IV, Quantum of Solace).

Marley & Me, 3/5

Rated PG. Click here to view the trailer.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD.

Over the long Christmas holiday, I stumbled across this ridiculously cute puppy. Besides reminding my family of me sitting in the pew on Sunday morning, it rekindled some small desire in my heart to to get a dog.

Marley pooped all over that desire. I am now terrified at the idea of owning a dog.

Marley - as I'm sure you're aware - is the titular hound from the depths of hell in the latest man-and-his-dog movie, Marley & Me. Yeah, he's cute, but only for about two minutes. Then he instantly becomes an inexplicably destructive whirling dervish of a dog that utterly obliterates anything and everything. His resume includes digesting answering machines, diapers linoleum flooring and drywall. He makes Beethoven look like the obedience school apple-polishing valedictorian. Seriously, Job has nothing on John and Jen Grogan. It's not funny, it's terrifying.

And there's positively no reason for the Grogans (Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston) to love or even tolerate Marley's behavior. If he had pulled a Lassie and pulled her out of a burning building or maybe brought Wilson's character the morning paper even once, I could maybe see keeping him and putting up with his epic shenanigans, but Marley has absolutely zero redeeming qualities. He's supposed to die fighting a cougar, not go quietly into that good night because of a twisted stomach. All I can say in his defense is that he does not eat the Grogan children (although he does knock them down).

Surprisingly, I can offer more in defense of the movie as a whole. It look to be a trite, subpar holiday pablum, but it's a real movie, even if the the family's love for the Attila the Dog is inexplicable. I can honestly say I didn't hate it.

Owen Wilson wouldn't be my pick for a lead in a family comedy, but he's not horrible. However, he does have that stupid surfer haircut that doesn't change even through he supposedly ages 20 years on screen. His nose is overwhelming when you have to sit on the second row. He and Aniston (who also doesn't appear to age a day) are actually kinda funny as they try to navigate life, marriage and their careers as Miami journalists. Lucy Merriam, the actress who plays their four-year-old daughter is cute. She delivers an adorable eulogy.

Here's the weird thing: It's not really about the dog. It's mostly about how Grogan can't be satisfied with his amazingly high-paying job. He learns tolerance and life lessons (apparently) from Marley for the first two acts but the dog is missing from a large part of the final 40 minutes. I'm sure John Grogan is a nice guy, but I really don't care to see a movie about him whine about a cushy, high paying job at the South Florida Sun-Sentinel and living in a nice home in Boca.

The movie is based on the best-selling non-fiction book of the same name, some of my gripes about the movie's faults can be explained by falling back on the it's-based-on-real-life defense. However, good books don't always make good movies without changes and embellishments, sometimes large ones (case in point, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button). The story was too long, and Marley needs a hero moment. He had his chance when the Grogans' neighbor gets stabbed out of nowhere, but Marley just sits there chewing the curtains. The non-dog moments should have been tighter.

Still, the movie works because it's not a zany, slap stick, Jim Carey-type of movie. Like any good dog, it is earnest and that earns you lots of capital in my book. Maybe that's what the Grogans saw in Marley.

RocknRolla, 3.5/5

Rated R. Click here to view the trailer.

RocknRolla is the anti-Ocean’s 11. Yeah, they’re both tales of lawbreakers and ne’er do wells, but this merry band of thieves don’t dress well, aren’t charming, could use a good orthodontist and have absolutely zero sense of loyalty, humor or decency. There’s a better-than-even chance they will tie you to a chair and lower you into the Thames River to be eaten alive by giant crawfish, and they haven’t even decided to kill you yet.

That’s not to say RocknRolla isn’t a fun, good movie; it mostly is. At least I think it is. I can’t be 100 percent sure since I only understood about 2/3 of writer/director Guy Ritchie’s (the former Mr. Madonna) cockney, fast-pace dialog. I’m not even sure I know what a rocknrolla is, and we’re given that answer at least twice, once over the opening credits.

I won’t even try to describe the marvelously labyrinthine plot, because to do so would require four more screenings and a team of court stenographers. Characters like Tank, Nurse, Fred the Head, One-Two, Mumbles, Handsome Bob, Johnny Quid, Waster and Councilor run around London generally scamming and scaring the pants off each other. There’s a basic frame set around a real estate deal gone bad, but with Guy Ritchie, the plots really aren’t what it’s all about. RocknRolla is pretty much the same plot as Snatch which is pretty much the same as Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. They’re all more or less exercises in talking fast and finding creative ways to beat the crap out of people. It’s not a wholly bad formula really, and if you’re a Ritchie fan, go for it. I will say, however, that RocknRolla is the weakest of the three (Snatch being my personal favorite).

Even though I found it impossible to keep the characters straight, the acting corps is pretty strong. For the first time, I finally figured out why people like Thandie Newton and Jeremy Piven is, as always, awesome. Chris “Ludacris” Bridges makes an appearance as well, and does a fine job. I’m not sure when he decided to become an actor, but he’s doing an OK job at it.

The Day The Earth Stood Still, 3/5

Rated PG-13. Click here to view the trailer.

For your information, aliens prefer to zip around town in reliable, fuel-efficient Honda Accords, discuss the end of the human race over a nice, hot Mickey D’s McCafe Latte, the US Government uses computers made by LG (they make computers now?) running Windows Vista and we had better start recycling and saving the whales, pronto.

Those are just some of the lessons we learn from The Day the Earth Stood Still, which, despite what you may have read on the blogs, is not a documentary on freeze tag. It also teaches us that Keanu Reeves might very well be an actual alien.

Dr. Pretty Brunette (I forget her real name, but she is played - rather blandly - by Jennifer Connelly) is an expert in astro-biology (huh?). When a huge alien sphere shows up in Central Park, who better to poke and prod mankind’s first-ever contact with extra-terrestrial life than someone who has supposedly been studying it for years? A trigger-happy army sniper accidentally wounds Klaatu (which sounds just slightly more alien than Keanu’s real name) which provokes his metal, cyclops-of-a bodyguard to have a laser-shooting conniption. Dr. PB calls for a medic to save Klaatu (is there an alien doctor in the house?) and he’s taken into custody. In a stunning reverse of clichés and alien stereotype, the Secretary of Defense (Kathy Bates) wants to drug and probe him.

Dr. PB helps, sees something she likes in Klaatu’s eyes and helps him escape the evil military's clutches. She and her jerk of a step-son (Will Smith’s son, Jaden) ferry Klaatu around New England until he finds his under-over, alien contact, who of course has assumed the form of an old tiny Japanese man. He tells Klaatu, who of course knows Japanese (why wouldn’t he?), the terrible truth: Mankind is so destructive, they all must perish in order to save the rest of the Planet. Dang it, I KNEW we should have listened to Al Gore and bought hybrids!

The laser-riffic Cyclops dissolves into 7 bajillion titanium termites while Dr. PB takes Klaatu to the one person she hopes can convince him humans are worth saving: Monty Python’s own John Cleese, a brilliant, Bach-loving scientist who recently won the Nobel Prize for his work in – wait for it – altruistic biology. I think that means he buys toys for underprivileged DNA strands at Christmastime and serves homeless genomes turkey dinners at the local shelter at Thanksgiving.

Do they succeed in convincing him we can change? Does the Earth actually stand still? Will Congress pass an auto-maker bail-out package? You’ll have to pay your $8.50 to find out.

Jennifer Connelly, as I already mentioned, is pretty vanilla but does what she can with her remarkably flat character. Mr. Reeves seems to have been preparing his entire post-Excellent Adventure career to play an emotionless being from another world and here it works pretty well. John Cleese’s character is wholly unnecessary and Kathy Bates isn’t bad despite her ridiculous character. As for young Mr. Smith? I’m not much for slapping people, especially children, but he got on my last nerve.

I presume the story is a fairly faithful re-imagining of the original 1951 sci-fi classic (I haven’t seen it), but I came away wanting a little more. Whereas the original served as a precautionary tale against nuclear proliferation, this reiteration is concerned with global warming, I guess. It’s not a bad story, but it’s a vague story that suffers from pacing errors. The Day the Earth Stood Still could have been much tighter, more exhilarating and much more direct in its criticisms (if it actually has any).

Final thought: Someone should take scenes of people "standing still" and make a killer music video to The J. Geils Band's Freeze Frame!

Australia, 4/5

Rated PG-13. Click here to view the trailer.

WARNING: Insensitive and inappropriate racial humor ahead.

Unless I decide to go back to the Sleep Study Center and hook myself up to 30 or 40 electrodes, there's no real scientific way to measure how well my CPAP machine is working. At least, there wasn't until tonight. I'm no board-certified sleep pathologist, but tonight I unequivocally proved that I am indeed sleeping better and have more energy. Ladies and gentlemen, I stayed awake and alert through all three hours of Australia.

Australia is Baz Luhrmann's sweeping, over-the-top, 180-minute celluloid love letter to his homeland and it certainly is epic. A little too epic, perhaps.

Set in the days leading up to WWII, Nullah, a 9-year-old "Creamy" (the wince-inducing slang for half whites, half Aborigine children) narrates the story of Lady Sarah Ashley (Nicole Kidman). She is a proper English housewife who comes to Far Away Downs, a HUGE cattle ranch owned by her philandering husband but just as she arrives, he is killed by the Magic Negro, King George. Lady Ashley hires a cattle drover named - wait for it - Drover (Hugh Jackman) to help herd her cattle and outrace competing ranchers to Darwin in time to meet snag a lucrative Army contract. Those brave Australian soldiers have to have good, Aussie beef if they're going to fight against those murderous Japs, don't they? Boy, I'm just getting all the racial slurs in today, aren't I?. Are there any Jews in the house? Do we have any Guidos in the audience tonight?

Lady Ashley and Drover fall in love and she more or less ends up adopting the orphaned Nullah. Things happen and events occur. A lovable drunk gets tramped by a CGI stampede. Nullah develops an affinity for the movie The Wizard of Oz and learns to play the harmonica and hypnotize cattle. Ninety minutes in, the story ends. Then it picks back up again and barrels on for another 90 minutes as callous missionaries kidnap Nullah and take him to an island to "breed the Black out of him." Drover and Lady Ashley have a tiff, and those murderous Japs attack the Australia's Northern Territory. Throughout both "acts," King George is stealthily shadowing the main characters. It's very White of me to say so, but I wanted to tell him to take a bath. Oh, the hegemony!

If you're exhausted reading all that, trying staying awake through it.

I'm not saying it's a bad movie - it's actually pretty good - but there can be no doubt it suffers from its length. There's a good movie in here. Actually there's two, and that's the problem. I supposed true epics like The Odyssey, The Illiad, The Aeneid or even Gone With the Wind don't exactly fallow the exposition-escalation-climax-denouement pattern, but it's exceptionally hard to make a good movie doing anything but that.

From Lurhmann, the man behind such stylish movies like Moulin Rouge!, Romeo+Juliet and this timeless masterpiece, I wanted something with a little more style and flash. We get some good opening credits and the "animation" tracing Lady Ashley's journey down under is cool, but mostly we get a straight drama. Like I said, it's not bad, but it could have been great.

I did enjoy the bits of Aborigine mysticism and especially the Australia/native jargon used by Nullah. He can make himself "invisible" at times and can do other "magic."I'm generally not a fan of animism, it was at least interesting. Some have criticized the movie as being condescending to Aborigines, but come on, it's a movie.

Brandon Walters, who plays Nullah, is very, every good and Hugh Jackman is pretty darn watchable, even if he does make me feel woefully inadequate. As for Nicole Kidman, well she did OK, but she left me with this one lingering question as I left the theater: Where did she find a botox clinic in the Outback?

Ooh! I almost forgot: There's a Chinese cook named Sing Song. I bet he knows karate and has a severe overbite. They all look alike, you know [sound of a gong].

Max Payne, 1/5

Rated PG-13. Click here to view the trailer.

A word of advice to the people who perpetrated Max Payne on the unsuspecting public: when you’re making a bad movie, it’s best not to choose a title with a homophone of “pain” in the title. And don't lie to me, you knew you were making a bad movie. We're talking Elektra-bad here, folks.

There’s absolutely nothing right with this movie. It’s so bad, it’s beyond the realm so-bad-it’s-good. When Ludacris turns in the best acting performance in a movie that includes Mark "Say Hi to Your Mother For Me" Wahlberg, Mila Kunis and Olga Kurylenko, three actors I actually really like, something somewhere has gone horribly wrong. In this case, it’s pretty much everything, not the least of which is that the movie is based on a just-slightly above average video game from the late 90s, yet doesn’t resemble it in the slightest.

Max Payne (Wahlberg, acting as if he’s high on horse tranquilizers) is dark and brooding NYC detective. He’s pissed off at the world and lets you know it. His wife and baby son were murdered several years ago and he spends his nights tracking the killers down. Sasha (Kurylenko) might be able to lead him to someone that knows what happened, but before she can help, she is brutally murdered and Max is framed for the crime by Luda. With the help of Sasha’s sister (Kunis), he breaks free and goes on a murderous rampage. It sounds halfway interesting, but it’s not. Trust me.

Did I mention there are demonic valkyries patrolling the airspace of New York, ready to snatch people up and shred them to mincemeat with their large talons? 'Cause yeah, there are totally demonic valkyries patrolling the airspace of New York, ready to snatch people up and shred them to mincemeat with their large talons. Napoleon Dynamite would be terrified.

You should be too.

Bolt, 4/5

Rated PG. Click here to view the trailer.

ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF slightly above average lost-dog-finds-his-way-home story saved by quirky pigeons and a feisty hamster ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF John Travolta makes a good dog ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF Miley Cyrus's unusually deep voice bothers me ARF ARF ARF ARF Hey, they just got in a Finding Nemo dig ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF who is Susie Essman and who decided she'd make a good cat? ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF. Pretty good little CGI cartoon, though certainly not a Pixar-instant classic ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF nice shout out to Missouri! ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF it's worth watching for the pigeons ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF.

Role Models, 4/5

Rated R. Click here to view the trailer.

Role Models is a hopeful, funny little movie with a great personality. It's just that it hides behind an such abrasive front, that I didn't notice it until the brilliant and inspired final act. It's a lot like the children asigned to "big brothers" Seann William Scott and Paul Rudd: They all might take a little coaxing to come out of their shell, but there's something worth loving in there. On three, everybody: Awwwwwwwwwwwww.

Danny (Rudd) and Wheeler (Scott) are two energy drink salesmen who go around with a distinct lack of energy as they peddle their noxious "Minotaur" at area schools. Wheeler is an optimistic slacker who enjoys the fact that he can do his job well while hungover and/or high, which is one of the few perks of dressing like a minotaur all day. Danny is a depressed underachiever who is having trouble with his lawyer girlfriend (Elizabeth Banks), his job, the local coffee shop, a surly tow truck driver and pretty much the rest of the world.

After a particularly bad day, they run afoul the law and are faced with two options: 30 days jail, or 150 hours of community service with Sturdy Wings, a Big Brothers, Big Sisters knock-off run by former coke-fiend Jane Lynch. Danny is assigned to Augie (the perpetually congested McLovin, Christopher Mintz-Plasse), a nerd of epic proportions who lives for medieval reenactment/role playing events . Wheeler's young charge is Ronnie (Bobb'e J. Thompson), an incredibly "challenging" 10-year-old who is every adult's nightmare. The "Bigs" and "Littles" venture out into the world together and hilarity ensues. But here's the thing: Hilarity actually ensues. I know. I was just as surprised as you.

It's those genuine laughs and again, the surprise third act, that pull it all together. The cast is superb and they milk the script (co-written by Rudd) for all it's worth. Rudd has a goofy smile and wry delivery that would make you laugh as he read a Waffle House menu, and Scott is just enough of a wise-cracking jerk to be a really great, really funny friend. Mintz-Plasse and Thompson bring depth to what could have easily been throw away roles and Jane Lynch, well, God bless her, she's just awesome.

Sure, we see where things are going (Bigs and Littles dislike/distrust each other initially, they go on various adventures, slowly bond, there's a crisis where they "break up," then they eventually form a friendship stronger than any court order as the closing credits roll). That's mostly the case here, but there are actual, genuine laughs along the away and there's a surprise final act that I don't think anyone in their right mind saw coming. There are hints along the way, but it's just so out there that it's still a surprise. Who knew that was still possible in today's movie world? Kudos to Rudd and his writing partners for playing things close to the chest then springing things on us at the exact right time.

Yes, it deserves its R rating, but beyond its crass facade, Role Models is pretty warm and cuddly inside.

Appaloosa, 2/5

Rated R. Click here to view the trailer.

Westerns, as a genre, have never really done it for me. As of this morning, there were exactly three westerns I've liked (Quigley Down Under, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, and of course, Blazing Saddles). Now that I've sat though two long hours of Appaloosa, there are still three.

Lawmen Virgil (Ed Harris) and Everett (Viggo Mortesen) stroll into the sleepy town of Appaloosa (were there ever any wide awake towns in the Old West?) to rid the town of local badman, Bragg (Jeremy Irons). Bragg, among other personality flaws, gunned down the previous sheriff and this has understandably caused the town aldermen no small amount of stress. Somewhere in there, Miss Allie (the oh so unfortunate looking Renee Zelleweger) enters the picture and inexplicably catches the eye of the good guys and all the bad ones too. I know attractive women-folk were often a rare commodity in 1886 New Mexico, but surely the men weren't this desperate. Everett follows Virgil around like a love-sick puppy dog and it's just weird. No, we're not venturing into Brokeback Mountain territory here, but there is a definite Cowboy Bromance going on.

The real conflict isn't between the two marshals and Bragg. It's supposed to be between our two heroes and the Little Miss Scrunchy Face. Between the Law and feelings. Too bad I wasn't convinced any of those.

Harris is so bland it's impossible to enjoy his character. I've never been a fan of Mortensen and his take on this walking SAT-Vocabulary-Flash-Card-Set of a deputy didn't win me over. Zellweger doesn't have a "good personality" nor is she funny. She officially has nothing going for her. I'm sorry. That's a horrible, horrible thing to say. But seriously, she looks like she just had an allergic reaction to some shellfish.

The lone bright spot is Jeremy Irons. His scenes are the only ones worth watching. I also liked Everett's umm... occasional lady-friend, played by Ariadna Gil.

Harris directed the movie and he fared about as well behind the camera as he did in front of it. The editing is clumsy and music was at times distracting. The script is way too long and skipped right over the natural, satisfying ending and took a logical u-turn and went along for two more subplots and 45 minutes. The actual ending is lame, as if one of the stray bullets got it in the leg.

Did I mention Peter Pettigrew plays one of the town aldermen? Yeah. He does.

Oh, and note to Mr. Harris: Westerns aren't supposed to have narrators.

Quantum of Solace, 4/5

Rated PG-13. Click here to view the trailer.

I had a good time at the 12:01 screening of Quantum of Solace, but this reborn series could very easily become derailed.

The great problem with the first 20 Bond films is that they pretty much all blend together. Of course, Bond’s personality, the arsenal of cool gadgetry, colorful super-villains, volcano hideouts and the bevy of femme fatales with hilarious names overpowered the series’ monotony and created an endearing character for the ages. Solace, the 22nd in the series and the second of the Daniel Craig era, suffers the same problem as the original 20, but doesn’t have the charm. Instead of an evil mastermind hell bent on building a space station to hold the world hostage, we have a smarmy French real-estate speculator who desires to buy 60 percent of Bolivian utilities companies. NOOOOOOO! TAKE 55 PERCENT, BUT NOT 60! He doesn't even cry blood. There is no Q, no Money Penny, no gadgets and no humor. Heck, Bond seems to have taken a True Love Waits pledge and doesn’t even attempt to bed Camille (Olga Kurylenko). At least there’s a decent opening titles song/montage, courtesy of Jack White.

Bond #22 begins moments after Casino Royale ended, leaving Bond aching to avenge the death of his love, Vesper Lynd (thus making it the first true Bond sequel). The plot details got a little hazy (but hey, it’s a Bond film, so who cares?), but he traces her killers to Bolivia and finds himself mixed up in a suspicious land deal between Dominic Greene (the aforementioned smarmy Frenchman) and an ambitious Bolivian general with eyes on the Presidential Mansion in La Paz. Camille also has a beef with Greene/Mr. President–elect and so does the CIA. Along the way Bond kills lots of people. Lots. TONS. One of his unintended victims is Agent (Strawberry?) Fields (Gemma Arterton), who I mention only because I have thing for redheads.

Solace moves along at a decent clip, but the action scenes were so frantic and edited to death that I was confused during the obligatory car chase. And boat chase, and plane chase, and horse chase and motorcycle chase. Director Marc Foster tries to emulate the urgent, immersive style of the Bourne films, but the main difference is that those sequence were coherent and a viewer could follow the action. I consider myself pretty savvy when it comes to action sequences and these are subpar.

Thematically, it's full-throttle revenge. Duty, and sex take a back seat as it turns out that avenging a loved one's death can do a lot for your determination and pain threshold. In other words, he is Batman. Does Bond really need such a strong theme to make a movie work? Is achieving some small quantum of solace (Hey! That's the title of the movie!) a good enough excuse to make me sit in a theater for 106* minutes? I'm not sure. It's interesting, I'll give you that, but I'm not sure how far it can take us.

One area where you can’t fault Solace in its acting corps. Although I’ve just criticized Craig’s Bond, the problem is the script, not in Craig’s acting. He was awesome in Royale and he’s just as awesome here. I don’t throw “sexy” around very often when talking about men, but heck, it fits. Holy crap, he look great in a tux. Dench is awesome as M, even if her character is little bit wishy washy, trusting Bond, losing faith, trusting, losing faith, blah blah blah. The villain, played by Mathieu Almaric, is creepy and frightening, even if his scheme is pedestrian and ridiculousloy white collar. Kurylenko is quietly alluring but Jeffrey Wright, an actor I’m normally quite fond of, sleep walks through his role as CIA spook Felix Leiter.

Royale blew audiences away because it was so new and different. The same goes for Craig. His was a darker, more damaged Bond and we all ate it up. This new offering tastes the same and my jaw could soon get tired of chewing, even if it hasn't just yet. A great action film to be sure, Solace doesn’t have the fresh feeling Royale did, and doesn't quite make it into the echelons of the greatest Bond flicks. Craig and Co. had better figure out how to balance realistic action and stoicism with some of the original Bond elements that made the series so darn loveable. I’m giving them a pass them time, but next time around I won’t be so generous.


*This is the shortest Bond film ever, and a full 44 minutes shorter than Casino Royale.

The House Bunny, 3/5

Rated PG-13. Click here to view the trailer.

My sister's seven-word review pretty much says it all. "It's OK, but the beginning is unbearable."

If you can just get past that unbearable opening the rest of the movie is... well, actually Kelly was right. It's pretty forgettable.

Anna Farris is Shelly, a former Playboy Bunny kicked out of the mansion because she is too old for Hef's taste. I guess 27 is the new 40. Homeless and witless she stumbles upon Greek Row at a local college and becomes a House Mother to an ugly duckling sorority. "It's just like a mini Playboy Mansion!" Surprise, surprise, she teaches them how to be sexy and they teach her that life isn't all about looking good. It's Revenge of the Nerds, but with halter tops. Offering a reason to grow up is Shelly's crush, played by Colin Hanks.

There are a few laughs but the movie is too broad and heavy handed to pull off the sweet feeling I think they were going for. The sorority girls are all no-names with subpar acting skills, except for Kat Dennings who must have owed someone money. Hanks, who was really good in Orange County, is an utter waste as the manager of a nursing home, or as Shelley puts it, "an orphanage for old people."

If there is a saving grace, it's Faris. She is pretty, funny and is willing to go all out for the laugh. I hope Hollywood does her a favor and gives her better material.