Eyes on the Prize

One of my resolutions Jan. 1 was to average a movie per week in 2008 (only movies in theaters count, sorry DVDs). I'm doing OK, but I need to pick up the pace just a bit and that will get harder and harder once "movie season" is over.

If you count multiple screenings of several movies (Juno, Iron Man, Indiana Jones IV, Kung Fu Panda, Get Smart and Tropic Thunder), I'm up to 30 of the needed 52. Mathematically, I should be at 33. There's still hope. Keep me in your prayers :-).

Pineapple Express, 2/5

Rated R. Click here to view the trailer.

I think my problem with Pineapple Express was that I wasn’t high when I saw it.

There were some laughs in opening scenes as Seth Rogen’s dope smoking, process server, Dale, rocks out to Electric Avenue and there are some laughs in the closing scenes as a trio of stoners (only two of them wearing pants) eat enjoy their Grand Slams at Denny’s. Other than that, you’d have to be more than half-baked to enjoy this odd little buddy comedy/“stoner-action” flick.

Dale scores some primo bud (can you tell I’m not used to the hip weed lingo?) called Pineapple Express (Hey! That's the name of the movie!) from his dealer Saul (a spaced out James Franco) and tokes up on his way to serve Ted (a strangely unfunny Gary Cole). Unfortunately for Dale, the man he is supposed to serve is also the marijuana King Pin responsible for Pineapple Express. Even more unfortunately for Dale, Ted, along with the bizarrely miscast Rosie Perez as “Lady Cop,” kill a rival drug dealer in plain view of our “hero.”

He of course freaks out, and drives away, but not before he tosses his joint out the window, a joint Ted immediately finds and smokes it (because that’s what you do with joints you find in the street: you smoke them) and realizes that the witness must be connected to Saul.

There are also two subplots: a creepy one involving Dale's high school girlfriend; and a stupid one involving an Asian drug cartel made up entirely (of course) of ninjas.

Hilarity ensues.

Wait, no, it doesn’t.

There is some pretty major violence going on though. People’s ears get shot off, innocent bystanders die, kids do drugs and one hit man gets crushed by a Daewoo Lanos.

Another dealer, Red (a semi-funny Danny McBride), gets shot at least seven times but is in no hurry to get to the hospital.

Let’s be honest folks. Can we all agree that we’re getting tired of Seth Rogen? He was funny and fresh in The 40-year-old Virgin, was oddly charming in Knocked Up and was good for a few laughs in Superbad but now he’s just wearing out his welcome. Rogen wrote Pineapple Express and Superbad in high school while he was high. In this movie, you can tell. Here he tries to create a modern day Cheech and Chong movie and he succeeds. Of course, I didn’t laugh very much at their movies, either. Heck, at least Harold and Kumar 2 had Neil Patrick Harris going for it!

The same criticism is true for producer Judd Apatow. Either evolve as a filmmaker, or at least give us more than a month between your offerings (Step Brothers).

James Franco has been getting a lot of buzz for his take on the blitzed-out-of-his mind pot dealer, but I really didn’t think he was that over the top or funny. Although, I will say he was infinitely more watchable here than in the Spider-Man movies. Mostly I just thought, “Wow, he must smell awful.”

As previously mentioned, Cole and Perez are both miscast and Danny McBride, while funny, was just kinda odd and out of place.

My solution? Either be half baked when you watch it, or rent Half Baked instead.

Remember kids, in the wise words of the cast of Saved By the Bell: There’s nope hope with dope.

Oh, and crack is whack.

Tropic Thunder, 4/5

Rated R. Click here to view the trailer.

Tropic Thunder is a stupid, goofy movie, but dad gummit it's funny. Yeah, it's a little edgy and has brought up few ill-informed questions about jokes about blackface and mental health, but it's mostly a genuinely fun movie within a movie and an absolutely perfect cast.

That cast includes Ben Stiller as washed up action star Tugg Speedman; Jack Black as an Eddie Murphy-like crappy comedy machine Jeff Portnoy; Brandon T. Jackson as an entrepreneurial rapper, Alpa Chino and Robert Downey, Jr. as serious Oscar winner who dyed his skin black, Kirk Lazarus. Steve Coogan plays the hilaroiusly inept movie director while Nick Nolte looks grizzled and authentic as Vietnam vet Four-leaf Tayback, the author of the book, Tropic Thunder. Danny McBride pretty much blows stuff up and loves every second of it. There's also a hilarious cameo by Tom Cruise and although his part is particularly foul-mouthed, it is truly comedy gold as is his extended hip hop dancing. Matthew McConaughey is also hilarious as Tuggman's Tivo-obsessed agent.

You get the plot from the trailer: Coogan is attempting to film the greatest war movie ever based on the experiences of Tayback. In order to whip his cast into shape, he, Tayback and his special effects man drop the cast into the jungles of Vietnam and send them off into bush telling them that hidden cameras will capture the cinematic action "guerrilla style."

Black, Stiller, Downey, Jackson and "straight man" Jay Baruchel (the faux-hawk guy from Knocked Up) traipse through the jungle covered in fake ammo and massive (blank-shooting) firepower. Since they're actors in a movie, they have no fear when they come across a Vietnamese drug ring with very real firepower. Sooner or later, Stiller is captured (because, duh, his character is supposed to be captured) and it's up to the rest of the unit to rescue him.

More than anything, the movie is a hilarious skewer of Hollywood. From the trailers that open the movie (Speedman starring in Scorcher VI, Portnoy in, The Fatties, Fart 2; and Downey in Satan's Alley, a medieval take on Brokeback Mountain; Alpa Chino in a commercial/music video for his energy drink, Booty Sweat), and Coogan's inept director to Cruise's take on execs and the "retard issue" (more on that in a minute), Stiller directs the movie to tear Hollywood a new one.

I already mentioned the cast is perfect, but Jack Black and Robert Downey, Jr. particularly stand out. Black actually looks like a convincing action star with bleached blond spikes and one heck of a (heroin-induced) war-cry. But clearly the most praise in the movie has to go Downey and his Kirk Lazarus. I was worried that the funniest parts had been spent in the trailer or that the joke might get too long in the tooth, but it started off funny and get kept getting better as Lazarus got more and more lost in the role refusing to break character even when the camera stopped rolling.

As for the blackface and/or retard controversy? Gimme a break. The movie makes it clear that Lazarus is a jerk who doesn't even know who he is as he pretends to be black. Likewise, it actually defends the "retarded community" by pointing out that Hollywood (and society in general) enjoys a feel-good movie about the mentally disabled, (Forrest Gump, I am Sam, Rain Main) but only as long the characters aren't "full retards." Stiller is actually pointing the finger at us and just how patronizing we can be.

Step Brothers, 1/5

Rated R. Click here to view the trailer.

Walking into the theater to see Step Brothers, I couldn't help but ruminate on Voltaire's Candide. I had just seen both Iron Man and The Dark Knight for a second time, and I was on a movie high. "Surely," waxed my inner Westphalian student, "surely, this is the best of all possible worlds!"

Wrong-o, pal! This is a the worst of all possible worlds if we allow unimaginative puss like this pass for a movie.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good Will Ferrell comedy with a little John C. Reilly thrown in. I LOVE Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Rickey Bobby and the "little baby Jesus" prayer scene throws me into fits of laughter, but there's a line between funny and being mean spirited and Step Brothers crosses it with relish.

The plot: Mary Steenburger and Richard Jenkin's characters marry, causing their 40-year-old sons, Brennan (Will Ferrell) and Dale (John C. Reilly) to live in the same room and learn to live with their new situation. They both live at home, have no jobs and still insist that Dad leave a $20 on the table for pizza. Why? Because producer Judd Apatow thinks it's funny, I guess.

They hate each other (of course) but slowly (or instantaneously) grow to be fast friends as seen in the trailer. (Note: They trailer makes these moments seem much funnier than they are in the movie.) They get beat up by (12-year-old) bullies, they hit each other with golf clubs, they fight with Brennan's sleazy younger brother and they have unbelievably filthy mouths.

The problem is that not one ounce of it is funny. Violence can be hilarious (see this scene) but here it's just disturbing. Adam Scott's character zooms right up to funny but then rockets by and just makes the audience feel icky.

Steenburgen and Jenkins' could have brought something to the table if they were blissfully unaware of their sons' failures to launch but they are aware and simply don't care. Step Brothers could have been funny if, say, Ferrell and Reilly were playing actual 14-year-olds but no, that's just too creative for this script. The poster is infinitely more funny than this movie.

Oh, I failed to mention that the script blames Brennan's and Dale's arrested development on President Bush. I'm serious.

There is one -AND ONLY ONE - glimmer of hope and that comes at the very end as a Billy Joel cover band headed by Horatio Sans is booed off stage and Brennan takes over the show, belting out a very passable version of Con te partirò. I actually laughed during this scene, which is more than I can say for the rest of the movie.

I squirmed throughout the movie and was embarrassed for the entire cast (especially for Oscar-winner Steenburgen, who is the subject of a slight "older woman" crush). I was embarrassed to be seen in that theater. I was embarrassed that my theater had chosen to show this film. I was embarrassed that so many people in my city thought it was funny. Why didn't the father and mother sitting in front of me remove their 12-year-old son from the theater? Why didn't I?

It’s not considered the best of form in movie criticism to quote another critic, but thinking about Voltaire got me stuck in English paper mode so here goes Roger Ebert's take: “Sometimes I think I am living in a nightmare. All about me, standards are collapsing, manners are evaporating, people show no respect for themselves. I am not a moralistic nut. I'm proud of the X-rated movie I once wrote. I like vulgarity if it's funny or serves a purpose. But what is going on here?”

I don't know, Roger. I don't know. But I do know that Mr. Apatow, Ferrell and Reilly aren't trying hard enough to tend their gardens.

The Dark Knight, 5/5

Rated PG-13. Click here to view the trailer.

Holy crap. The Dark Knight, my friends, is one heckuva movie and although it’s not quite perfect (it’s a fuzz too long), it’s pretty freakin’ close. It’s not just a great comic book adaptation, this is a truly excellent movie.

The story is very complex and tight and from the opening bank robbery scene to the very last shot, director Christopher Nolan dares you to look away. A new super-villain has appeared in Gotham, and everyone including the cops and the mob, is running scared. Everyone except Bruce Wayne/Batman, which the Joker uses to his advantage. He continues his sadistic terror campaign throughout the city and pins most if not all the blame on "The Batman." Harvey Dent, the new district attorney believes in Batman, and Bruce Wayne believes in Harvey, but they may or may not be able to pay the price that justice demands. Make no mistake, people are going to die in this movie, and no, the Joker isn't one of them.

Nolan knows how to direct a movie and it feels very real. Everything, from the casting, to the music, to the special effects, to the script, to the title, to the theme of anarchy and self doubt, everything is spot on. Aaron Eckhart, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman hit the exact perfect notes with their roles, especially Eckhart as "Gotham’s White Knight," District Attorney Harvey Dent. Gyllenhaal is adorable and feisty as his girlfriend while Caine makes me want to take out a loan and hire an English butler oh so much. Freeman’s Lucius Fox and especially Oldman’s Lt. Gordon and are simply joys to behold.

Of course, I’ve left out the two main stars: Christian Bale and the late Heath Ledger. I went into The Dark Knight knowing I’d enjoy the movie, but I was ready to point out its flaws and eagerly downplay the Heath Ledger hype as I once again preached the Gospel that is Tim Burton’s 1989 vastly underrated “original” movie. What can I say? I was wrong. Not only is The Dark Knight a (way) better movie than Batman, but Bale’s Caped Crusader could literally rip Michael Keaton’s version (also vastly underrated) limb from limb simply by glaring at him (I’d LOVE to see Adam West’s reaction) and Ledger’s Joker would make Jack Nicolson’s wet his pants. Bale is absolutely perfect (there’s that word again) as the darker, more philosophical Batman. Can he continue to cash the checks of justice, even if the people of Gotham must pay with their lives? At the very least, his determination is beginning to crack. As for Ledger’s Joker, well, I sincerely hope there is no one on this planet half as sadistic and hell-bent on anarchy as he. Every detail about him – his hair, his makeup, his scars, his voice, his mannerisms, his stride – screams criminally insane. He’s in charge of the movie and the movie’s plot from the word Go. As Caine's Alfred tells Bruce Wayne, "Some men just want to watch the world burn."

Subconsciously, we're drawn to the Joker because of Ledger's death a few months ago, but to lay the character's appeal on that alone is to deride Ledger's genius portrayal. Truly, this is a new criminal for the ages. There really isn’t anything more that can be said about it.

The Dark Knight is very, well, dark. And intense. This not a PG-13 movie your 8-year-old should be seeing, unless he (or she) particularly enjoys sociopaths shoving pencils through mobsters skulls. There are some very adult (not bow-chicka-bow-wow adult, just, “grown up adult”) themes as we watch Batman transform into a dark knight, not to mention some very graphic and painful-looking injuries.

In my review of Iron Man I mentioned that I’d love to see Favreau and Downey take on every super-hero franchise. While that high praise was and is certainly true, the same could be said for Nolan and whoever wrote The Dark Knight (I'm too lazy to look it up). They are two sides of the comic book coin: one smart alek, fun and clever, the other dark, scary and philosophical. I hesitate to say which I prefer, because they are so obviously the yin and yang of modern action/comic book movies. But, like a flip of Harvey Dent’s two-headed coin, you really can’t lose with either.

A Second Take

This weekend, I had the good fortune to go to a drive-in theater on Double-Feature for $7 a Car-Load Night. We saw Kung Fu Panda and Get Smart and although it meant that I didn't get home till around 2:30 Saturday morning, the weather was perfect for an outdoor movie and I came away with these two convictions that I need to share.

1) In retrospect, I was much too hard on KFP the first time around. It had a lot more laughs and heart than I remember. I stand by my original sentiment that's it's not overly original and the audience can pretty much see the jokes coming on down the pike, but it's still goofy good fun, especially if you can tap that inner reservoir of kid.

My first take on the Furious Five was accurate. They are pretty bland and useless. The same (sadly) goes for Dustin Hoffman.

Oogway, the ancient Kung Fu turtle was awesome the first time around and is even more so the second.

I also got it right the first time when I said the best scene involves Po's unique form of Kung Fu training.

It's not up to WALL-E's standards, but KFP is still a fun movie and I am now happy to recommend it. I don't know why I was in such a bad mood the first time around (I gave it a 2.5/5). It easily deserves a 3.5/5, maybe even approaching a 4/5.

2) I'm still in love with Anne Hathaway. I hear she's newly single...

WALL-E, 4.5/5

Rated G. Click here to view the trailer.

Single Waste Allocation Load Lifter – Earth class (WALL-E) robot seeks single egg-shaped robot to join journey through universe. Interests should include trash compacting, collecting Zippo lighters, horticulture, sharp shooting, hand holding and reenacting scenes from Hello Dolly.

How on earth can the movie described in this personal ad work? I don’t know, but since WALL-E is a Pixar-Disney effort, you can bet your sweet bippy with works and that it works well. If you come out of a viewing of WALL-E and your face isn’t sore from grinning, you officially have a heart of cold, hardened stone. You're probably a jerk, too.

WALL-E is the inexplicably cute and amazingly expressive star of our robot tale of literal star-crossed lovers. He looks like cross between E.T. (only not scary) and Johnny #5 from Short Circuit. He can’t communicate beyond R2D2-like beeps and boops, and yet the audience instantly falls in love with him. The character design team at Pixar was on their A-game. WALL-E lives 700 years in the future sorting out the garbage mankind left behind after we loaded up into a massive inter-galactic Carnival Cruiseliner. He’s a plucky and curious little guy and he collects relics of mankind (alas, no snarfblats or dinglehoppers). He has two treasures in particular: a tiny sprout of a plant growing out of a boot and an old VHS tape of Hello Dolly. Whether WALL-E knows it or not, he’s lonely (his only friend is a cock roach who eats - what else? - Twinkies).

Enter EVE (which stands for... something), an iPod-looking egg of a probe sent to Earth to see if it is safe for humans to return. Unlike WALL-E who is a rather mechanical, treaded robot, EVE is a sleek, digital, super-sonic wonder who is also a crack shot with a laser. Our two heroes briefly “date” until a spaceship returns for EVE and shimmies her back to the Mother Ship. Once there, the ship's autopilot tries to keep the surviving humans (who are now extremely obese and ride around in hover La-Z-Boys) from finding out EVE’s secret and destroy her and WALL-E’s relationship.

Whoever gave this movie the green light probably had reservations, because, well, a story featuring two robots that can’t talk and don’t lend themselves to plush toy tie-ins doesn’t sound too promising. Even though humans do eventually show up, there isn’t any actual dialog until a good 45 minutes in. To be sure, this isn’t the next Finding Nemo, but it is a very sweet, quiet tale of unlikely love between two lovable characters. It’s very hard to explain but despite no speech and (thankfully) no anatomy, WALL-E is inexplicably a dude and EVE is obviously a woman. I am admittedly a hopeless romantic, so it’s no surprise that the shots of WALL-E trying to hold EVE’s hand made my smile even broader.

Despite some rumors I’ve heard, it’s not going to win the Oscar for Best Picture. But man oh man does it beat the crap out of Kung Fu Panda.

Note: As my parents and I stood in line waiting to purchase our tickets, a preacher friend of my father’s walked by and told us he’d seen the movie and it was crammed full of socialist global warming propaganda. Sure, the movie shows what might happen if humans continue to litter and eat nothing but French fries, but there’s nothing inherently wrong about the movie or its message. As certified listener of Rush Limbaugh and card-carrying member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy who is ready to denounce (or at least question) anything touting global warming or socialist propaganda, I can confidently say that the aforementioned preacher not only has a cold heart of stone, but is also a Grade-A jerk.