WALL-E, 4.5/5

Rated G. Click here to view the trailer.

Single Waste Allocation Load Lifter – Earth class (WALL-E) robot seeks single egg-shaped robot to join journey through universe. Interests should include trash compacting, collecting Zippo lighters, horticulture, sharp shooting, hand holding and reenacting scenes from Hello Dolly.

How on earth can the movie described in this personal ad work? I don’t know, but since WALL-E is a Pixar-Disney effort, you can bet your sweet bippy with works and that it works well. If you come out of a viewing of WALL-E and your face isn’t sore from grinning, you officially have a heart of cold, hardened stone. You're probably a jerk, too.

WALL-E is the inexplicably cute and amazingly expressive star of our robot tale of literal star-crossed lovers. He looks like cross between E.T. (only not scary) and Johnny #5 from Short Circuit. He can’t communicate beyond R2D2-like beeps and boops, and yet the audience instantly falls in love with him. The character design team at Pixar was on their A-game. WALL-E lives 700 years in the future sorting out the garbage mankind left behind after we loaded up into a massive inter-galactic Carnival Cruiseliner. He’s a plucky and curious little guy and he collects relics of mankind (alas, no snarfblats or dinglehoppers). He has two treasures in particular: a tiny sprout of a plant growing out of a boot and an old VHS tape of Hello Dolly. Whether WALL-E knows it or not, he’s lonely (his only friend is a cock roach who eats - what else? - Twinkies).

Enter EVE (which stands for... something), an iPod-looking egg of a probe sent to Earth to see if it is safe for humans to return. Unlike WALL-E who is a rather mechanical, treaded robot, EVE is a sleek, digital, super-sonic wonder who is also a crack shot with a laser. Our two heroes briefly “date” until a spaceship returns for EVE and shimmies her back to the Mother Ship. Once there, the ship's autopilot tries to keep the surviving humans (who are now extremely obese and ride around in hover La-Z-Boys) from finding out EVE’s secret and destroy her and WALL-E’s relationship.

Whoever gave this movie the green light probably had reservations, because, well, a story featuring two robots that can’t talk and don’t lend themselves to plush toy tie-ins doesn’t sound too promising. Even though humans do eventually show up, there isn’t any actual dialog until a good 45 minutes in. To be sure, this isn’t the next Finding Nemo, but it is a very sweet, quiet tale of unlikely love between two lovable characters. It’s very hard to explain but despite no speech and (thankfully) no anatomy, WALL-E is inexplicably a dude and EVE is obviously a woman. I am admittedly a hopeless romantic, so it’s no surprise that the shots of WALL-E trying to hold EVE’s hand made my smile even broader.

Despite some rumors I’ve heard, it’s not going to win the Oscar for Best Picture. But man oh man does it beat the crap out of Kung Fu Panda.

Note: As my parents and I stood in line waiting to purchase our tickets, a preacher friend of my father’s walked by and told us he’d seen the movie and it was crammed full of socialist global warming propaganda. Sure, the movie shows what might happen if humans continue to litter and eat nothing but French fries, but there’s nothing inherently wrong about the movie or its message. As certified listener of Rush Limbaugh and card-carrying member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy who is ready to denounce (or at least question) anything touting global warming or socialist propaganda, I can confidently say that the aforementioned preacher not only has a cold heart of stone, but is also a Grade-A jerk.

Wanted, 3.5/5

Rated R. Click here to view the trailer.

All through my screening of Wanted, I kept a running tally of “ingredient films” that the director and screenwriter used to piece together their final product. It’s starts off with a fairly hefty dose of The Matrix trilogy and the Star Wars saga, a hint of The Fast and the Furious, throws in some Kill Bill, Mission Impossible and Chain Reaction, sprinkles some Bourne trilogy on top for some added zest, garnishes it with a few hints of We Three Kings and Mr. and Mrs. Smith and ends it all with some Office Space to cleanse the palate. There’s also a little bit of Rocky and Saw. That’s just what I could identify and remember in between WHOA! reactions.

But that’s not to say Wanted is derivative or feels recycled. The resulting dish isn’t an instant classic, but it’s fresh, exciting and beats the hell out of the mediocre steak I had for dinner last night.

Fight Club. I forgot to mention Fight Club.

Wanted is meant to be an entertaining, mindless action packed popcorn flick and holy crap does it deliver. Think of as filling a teacup with a firehose; it’s excessive and everyone gets wet, but dad gummit it get’s the job done. The only action scene it is missing – and I do mean the only scene – is a scene where our hero is forced to jump out of an airplane sans parachute. Scratch that. I just remembered he jumps out a train while crossing a canyon.

At one (no several) points we not only see bullets flying in slow-motion ala The Matrix, but we see those bullets penetrate their victim’s heads and see the skin bulging and stretching before eventually giving way to form the exit wound. Yeah.

James McAvoy (Wesley) plays our hero and while he isn’t the heir to Arnold’s throne, he’s a decent action actor. Wesley is a fatherless nobody with a crappy job, crappy girlfriend, crappy best friend and the kind of boss you want to throttle with her own stapler (then again, is there any other kind?) Google his name and you come up empty.

Wesley’s life isn’t going to be boring for long, because Angelina Jolie’s Fox has recruited him as the newest member of the Fraternity. (This where I'm supposed to yammer on about how hot Ms. Jolie is, but she's not even near my Top 100.)Pledging this Frat may not involve romancing a goat or binge drinking, but it certainly won’t be fun. Even though I praised him for his pluck and stick-to-it-iveness, I'm pretty sure Maxwell Smart wouldn't have made the cut.

Morgan Freeman plays the wise head of The Fraternity and he along with the rest of the clan take Wesley under their wing so he can one day face the rogue assassin who threatens the very existence of The Fraternity. “Kill one to save a thousand,” Fox says. Something like that.

What is the Fraternity? Glad you asked.

The simplest answer is that they’re a gang of super assassins. The more complex answer is that they’re a pissed off textile union that can curve bullets by inducing panic attacks. They heal their own wounds in bathtubs of Neosporin, live in a castle in downtown Chicago that doubles (triples) as a hide-out, pork warehouse and linen factory. They divine their next targets by examining the thread count in their Egyptian cotton bed sheets and converting that into – OF COURSE! – binary.

Both answers above are correct, and I didn’t even mention the army of explosive mice. You might think the movie is skewing a wee bit silly but it’s a testament to… something… that Wanted still manages to be a serious, legit action movie.

On the down side, the narration feels out of place and it has a few moments of humor that seem out of place. There’s a challenge to the viewer just before the closing credits that’s mildly unsettling. The editing style takes some getting used to, but the special effects are top notch and every member of the cast does a good if not great job, even if we don’t give a rip about them.

Go see it. It’ll will more than tide you over until July 18 and The Dark Knight.

NOTE: If there is any justice in the movie world, the minds that gave of Alien vs. Predator and Freddie vs. Jason would give us The Matrix vs. The Fraternity. Best. Fight. Ever.

Get Smart, 3.5/5

Rated PG-13. Click here to view the trailer.

As a general rule, I’m opposed to the trend of making classic TV shows into full-length features. Happily, Get Smart, the new Steve Carrell vehicle, is a funny, action packed and entertaining exception to that rule. (Also, it's significantly better than the trailer.)

Carrell is Maxwell Smart, a clumsy geek of an analyst for Control, a top secret, CIA-type government agency. Due mostly to his determination and the Subway Diet, he’s also a surprisingly competent and capable agent.

The plot thickens (first time I’ve ever used that phrase, I swear) as Control’s secret headquarters is attacked and Max is promoted to full field agent (Agent 86), on par with Dwayne ”The Rock” Johnson’s Agent 23. His partner is the reluctant, ultra-capable and oh-so-leggy Anne Hathaway (Agent 99). Together they track down Kaos (Chaos) mastermind played by Terrance Stamp and work to keep him from detonating a nuclear weapon in Los Angeles. Along the way they’re held up by Russian goons and of course, Max’s signature bumbling. Alan Arkin, pitch perfect as always, heads up Control. As the Chief, he isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty and show the young folks how it’s done. We're also treated to a very funny
Bill Murray cameo.

Hathaway’s sexy yet elegant Agent 99 looks out for Max while slowly moving from despising him to falling in love. Stupid lucky Steve Carrell... getting to kiss Anne Hathaway. Grr. There’s an unnecessary love-triangle and plastic surgery back story, but it’s a small price to pay for a mostly fun movie.

It’s a simple plot for a simple movie. There’s nothing magic here, but it has a good natured feeling about it and that gives it a lot of capital to spend. Get Smart was a highlight of my nightly Nick-at-Nite regimen back in the day and if anyone was going to tackle this Don Adams bumbling spy classic, Steve Carrell is the man. I expected him to be in full goofball mode and play the role as a slapstick moron. He doesn’t. Carrell and the screenwriters have done a very commendable job of capturing the tone of the original series, even if they have significantly upped the action value. They've stuck with a winning formula, and I appreciated that.

I wouldn’t call it a great comedy or a great action flick but Get Smart only "missed by that much."

By the way: Ms. Hathaway, if you’re reading, I love you.

Kung Fu Panda, 2.5/5

(Although I originally rated it a 2.5, I've upped it to a 3.5)

Rated PG. Click here to view the trailer.

In keeping with the time honored practice of twisting a movie’s title into a sarcastic statement on the film’s merit (Semi-Pro is semi-funny, Go ahead and Mess with Zohan, Walk Hard stumbles), I humbly offer the following: Kung Fu Panda is Kung Fu Bland-a.

I’m sorry. It was the best I could do.

Despite some top-notch computer animation and some A-list voice actors, Kung Fu Panda just didn’t bring anything new or fun to the table. Think of it as a cartoon version of Beverly Hills Ninja starring Jack Black instead of Chris Farley. And yet, Kung Fu Panda surprisingly plays out like a conventional Kung Fu movie. Yeah, it's kid-friendly. Yeah, it got a decent message. I just wanted more humor out of a Jack Black Kung Fu cartoon. I'm mystified by it's 87 percent Freshness Rating at RottenTomatoes.com. (OK, it did have a clever first two minutes.)

Po (the titular Kung Fu Panda) is a noodle cook (with duck for a father (?) destined to be the Dragon Warrior and save the Valley of Peace from the menace that is Tai Lung the Snow Leopard. Of course, this seems rather far fetched given his rotundity and inability to perform any basic ninja move, but, of course, he grows into quite the formidable opponent once he hits his groove.

Jack Black succeeds in bringing charm and life to Po because, well, he’s pretty much a panda in real life (check out his eyebrow thingy that’s been translated on the panda in the poster above). It wasn’t much a stretch for him. As for The Five, they didn’t fare so well and really are unnecessary to the story. Angelina Jolie is a total waste as Tigress as is Lucy Liu as Viper. Seth Rogen is way out of place as the tiny, fragile Mantis. Had I realized that was Jackie Chan as Monkey, I might have found it amusing but I didn’t and I didn’t. David Cross as Crane was the only major success besides Jack Black, followed closely by Randall Duk Kim as the very elderly turtle Kung Fu master, Oogway.

The best scene of the movie involves Po’s training, a method Shi-fu (a bored-sounding Dustin Hoffman) devised to capitalize on Po’s love of dumplings. As for the climatic battle royale between the Dragon Warrior (zero points for guessing who that is) and Tai Lung, it’s pretty much Po being fat and shouting out catch phrases. “Skiddoosh!”

One of my problems is with the character of Po. Sure, he's fat but he doesn't mind it and neither does anyone else, so what's the point? His kung fu trainer doesn't even try to slim him down, but instead motivates him with more food. He's not dumb, and he's funny. He's not a quitter, doesn't get his feeligs hurt and is loyal to a fault. He's just too darn likeable to ever be an interesting hero.

The bottom line is this is a kid’s movie and kids will probably like it. I left wanting more from a DreamWorks animated effort. Several reviews I’ve read praised Kung Fu Panda for “keeping all it’s jokes within itself” and not relying on pop culture reference and jokes like, say, the Shrek series. The problem with this is that sometimes pop culture references and jokes are funny! I saw zero in-jokes or even satire and Kung Fu Panda is just too bland without them, relying solely on Jack Black’s dialog to liven things up (Skid-doosh!). Sure, Shrek and the like may be too clever by half, but that’s a heck of a lot better than being not clever enough by half. Skid-doosh!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 4/5

Rated PG-13. Click here to view the trailer.

When I was in second grade, my doting grandmother, in her infinite wisdom, gave me a bullwhip. While I was pretty good at cracking it (I did cut my eye brow with it when I cracked it a little too close to my face... just like the opening of Last Crusade, seriously), I could never master the art of wrapping the end around a tree limb and swinging to safety ala Raiders of the Lost Ark. Happily, I’m here to report that Henry Jones, Jr. and his whip still have the magic touch in their fourth film, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

It’s the 1950s and although good ole grizzled Indy (Harrison Ford) is 20 years older, he’s still teaching archaeology (Boredom 101) and is still of interest to nefarious characters. This time it’s the Communists, not to mention a few thickheaded McCarthy-era FBI agentsq. The Ruskies are led by Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett) and they believe Indy can guide them to an ancient temple in Peru, one that houses a weapon they’re desperate to get their little Commie hands on.

In between captures, escapes and extraordinarily choreographed car and motorcycle chases, he hooks up with wanna-be greaser, Mutt (Shia LeBeouf) and an old MI-6 agent and they head off to the Amazon to rescue Indy’s love interest from Raiders (Karen Allen). Once there, they find the titular crystal skull and Indy's now insane mentor, Oxley (John Hurt).

By the way, there may or may not be aliens involved.

It’s a lot to pack into a movie and it has some risky story elements, especially for a new entry in a beloved series. Thankfully, Steven Speilberg and George Lucas didn’t succumb to whatever horrible disease plagued the new Star Wars films and hit the nail on its head.

The script’s tone is spot-on and the dialog, especially between Indy and Mutt, is hilarious. Things do get a little bit National Treasure-ish and goofy at times (what’s the deal with the prairie dogs?) and the George and Steven worked a little to hard to connect this movie to the original three (“Look, Mister! There’s a crucial prop from Raiders! Didya see it? Didya? Look! Isn’t that an amazing coincidence?”) Of course our heroes dodge a gazillion bullets, but it’s all in the name of good, old fashioned fun, and that’s enough for me. Indiana is, after all, a comic book hero.

Although Crystal Skull is a funny movie and does have a goofy moment or two, it also ups the creepiness factor. There were several times where I literally was on the edge of my seat waiting for some native with a terrifying face to jump out at me, screaming and baring those poorly kept teeth. I also had to look away during a sequence involving some really pissed off fire ants. Maybe I’m just used to the creepy moments in the original trilogy, but I found Crystal Skull to be a step up on the creepy scale.

The cast did a great job recapturing the Indy vibe. Ford tosses knowing one-liners around and is clearly having a great time back in the brown Fedora. LeBeouf just gets more and more likeable (even if he does remind me of Pony from The Outsiders) while Allen remains just as spunky and lovely as ever. Blanchett isn’t exactly the uber-villain you might expect from a rapier-wielding KGB agent, but she (and her accent) are acceptable.

So where does Crystal Skull rank among the original trilogy? Popular opinion has Raiders the clear No.1 and Temple of Doom the clear No. 3, with Last Crusade being neither loved nor hated at No. 2. Personally, I've always enjoyed the father-son dynamic between Indy and Henry Sr. (Sean Connery), so I actually rank them Last Crusade, Raiders, then Temple of Doom. I’ll have to see Crystal Skull again before I can make a judgment but right know, I’d say it ranks a very close second, just behind Last Crusade (largely because the two movies share the same father-son dynamic… HINT HINT).

The ending also hints at a possible fifth Jones movie, although something tells me it will be starring Shia LeBeouf and not Harrison Ford. If that movie is half as fun at Crystal Skull, I think I could be OK with that.

Oh, and if you’re wondering what to get me for my birthday…

Note: I know you’re supposed suspend some logic in movies like this, but one question keeps bothering me and that is Indy’s religious beliefs. He has the air of a scholarly agnostic and yet throughout his life he has seen first hand near absolute proof that the Judaism is the one true religion (Raiders). Then again, he also saw that some Hindu cult is the truth path (Temple of Doom), but that only before he saw that Christianity has it right (Last Crusade). Now, in Crystal Skull, it appears that _________ is the mighty power of the universe. Which does Indy believe? Is he politically correct enough to think they can all be true?

Speed Racer, 1/5

Rated PG. Click here to view the trailer.

I knew I was in trouble when the woman and her gaggle of 8-year-old birthday party-goers sat down noisily in front of me. Things only got worse when she started passing out the tacos (seriously) and didn’t offer me one. Once the credits for Speed Racer were over and the movie began, things spiraled into a Technicolor hallucinogenic nosedive into the neon abyss. You know that residual image “burned” into your retina when you use a sparkler? For a whole hour after I left the theater, I had the entire movie ghosted before my eyes. Methinks that the directors, the Wachowski brothers (The Matrix Trilogy) need to up their Ritalin dosage.

And yet despite ADD-feel and the seizure-inducing visuals, this movie drags on and on (and on). If I had to write a punny headline for this review, it would include the phrase, “Slow, Speed Racer, Slow!” (Other candidates: "No, Speed Racer, No!" "Blow, Speed Racer, Blow!" or my personal favorite, "D'oh, Speed, D'oh!"

So slow, in fact, that I've tried and tried but can’t remember how the movie began. Somehow, we’re introduced to the uber-vague plot. Speed Racer (Emile Hirsch) likes to drive futuristic, full-sized Hot Wheels, mostly because his brother, Rex (Scott Porter), does it. Well, that, and his legal name is Speed Racer. He really had no choice: Pop and Mom Racer (John Goodman, looking like Mario, and Susan Sarandon) pretty much decided his destiny for him with that name. Come to think of it, it's pretty lucky that a guy named Pop married a woman name Mom.

Rex dies in a racing tragedy and the evil, purple clad racing promoter Mr. Royalton (Roger Allam, trying his darndest to be Tim Curry) is trying to recruit Speed, while Matthew Fox’s Racer X (no relation to the Racer clan… or is he?) drives as Speed’s wingman. Fenderman. Whatever.

Christina Ricci plays Trixie, Speed’s gal pal who flies a helicopter while looking disturbingly like a young Sarandon. There’s also a annoying younger brother (Sprinkle? Sprocket? Spider?) and a poo-flinging chimpanzee. That’s right folks, a poo-flinging chimp. There's also some ninjas thrown in for good measure. "More like nunjas," cracks Pop Racer. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah.

That’s the plot. Now try stretching that into 129 minutes. There’s a “you’re kidding me” moment at least once every ten minutes. I thought the movie was mercifully wrapping up at one point, but no, we still had another act and a half to go.

Speed Racer’s racing scenes should be exciting because, heck, they’re racing scenes plus the word SPEED is in the title. But the ridiculous speed and physics-defying nature of these races sucks any excitement out of the process, if that's possible. Imagine a driving a high-speed bumper car with strobe lights threatening to blind you, all while someone is throwing Skittles and Fruity Pebbles in your face. There's absolutely no danger, except that you'll get a stray Skittle stuck in your eye.

It’d be much more entertaining to watch any NASCAR event (heck, I'd rather watch 129 minutes of this), because at least there’s a vague sense of excitement and danger. The “cars” in this movie ram into each other and fight with various offensive and defensive weapons at hundreds of miles an hour, but not a single car even gets scratched, especially not Speed’s precious Mach 5 (or 6). If a driver is thrown from the car, they’re instantly surrounded in a protective balloon or they parachute to safety, shaking their fist at Speed all the way down.

I suppose you can’t have too much intense or violent action in a PG movie, but maybe that’s the problem. More accurately, it’s ONE of the problems. This could have been an awesome movie if it had been much darker and… I don’t know. Not lame. Quentin Tarantino would have made an AMAZING Speed Racer, even if you held him to a zero body count and made him keep the poo-flinging chimp. I also would have preferred to get a taco.

There were only three things I enjoyed about this movie: 1) Christina Ricci is cute in her bob haircut; 2) I enjoyed the way the Speed Racer theme song was integrated into the sound track and 3) I now know what it’s like to take an LSD trip.

I’ve never seen the original 1967 “cartoon” that inspired the movie, but I doubt that would make a difference in my judgment of this movie. Something tells me kitsch like Speed belongs on collectible lunch boxes, and not the big screen sandwiched between Iron Man and Indiana Jones IV.

Iron Man, 4.5/5

Rated PG-13. Click here to view the trailer.

I don’t know what the deal is. Either I’ve just seen two of the year’s best movies back to back or my local theater is pumping nitrous through it’s A/C system.

I’ve never been the biggest fan of this comic book phase America seems to be going through, nor have I ever been a big super hero fan, Batman excepted. Heck, I didn’t even like Spider-Man. That makes Iron Man a tough sell, but man I bought it hook line and sinker.

Robert Downey, Jr. plays Tony Stark, a trillionaire playboy/weapons manufacturing genius who is just as likeable as he is despicable (he admits to failing to bed January’s Maxim cover girl thus bagging all twelve months, yet we almost feel sorry for him). While in Afghanistan showing off his latest weapon of not-quite-mass destruction, things go awry and he is captured and tortured by a rebel cell (suspiciously armed with Stark’s own weapons).

They demand Stark build them a version of the aforementioned WnqMD but instead he uses his time locked in a cave to build a super suit so he can bust out and return to his fleet of sports cars in Malibu. At the risk of giving too much away, he succeeds, but only with the help of nuclear powered pacemaker. I’ll let you guess if that turns out to be important later on as Robo-Stark inevitably begins to fight evil.

Once home, Stark renounces weapons manufacturing and retires to his basement where he proceeds to build a new and improved super suit, ironically manufacturing the ultimate weapon (with some help from some very amusing and eager-to-please robots). Now he can investigate how the bad guys got his arms in the first place, an investigation that leads right up to the company's executive suites. Hmm. How intriguing. Somewhere in there a super villain emerges, but it’s a little goofy and feels more like a forced formality than a natural progression. Then again, what good is a superhero without an arch nemesis?

Which brings us to Robert Downey, Jr. I don’t want to get all fan boy on you, but Mr. Downey is freakin’ awesome and he only gets better when he slips into character and dons a sleazy mustache and bionic super suit. He’s a remarkably funny actor and it’s his dialog and timing that makes the movie. If I were to come into several billion dollars over night, I would fund a remake of every super hero movie ever made, each starring my man RDJ. I wouldn't want to be Tony Stark, but I bet he'd throw one hell of a bachelor party.

But only if he had help from Gwyneth Paltrow’s Pepper Potts, who is Stark’s Girl Friday (and Saturday, Sunday all the rest of the days of the week). Paltrow plays Potts with spunk and humor. She tolerates Stark’s playboy antics, but relishes showing his conquests the door the next morning. It’s obvious she is infatuated with Starks, but she keeps it interesting by remaining aloof and not fawning over him like a blithering idiot. Like I said, I wouldn’t want to be Tony Stark, but I’d kill for an assistant with Paltrow’s red hair, freckles and giggle.

Iron Man isn’t perfect and there a certainly a few chinks in the armor. The movie takes a long time to get going and Jon Favreau telegraphs certain plot points, but he has such great time doing it, it’s easy to overlook any faults. The final climatic battle between Iron Man and Requisite Super Villain is pretty bland and ordinary, especially when compared to the tone and humor of the rest of the movie.

I haven’t read the original Iron Man comics, so I have no idea if they had a political agenda or not. The movie tries to expose an innate evil and corruption in the military-industrial complex, but seeing as how movie humanity will ultimately rely on said complex to save the movie world, the message gets a little blurry.

Also, Ozzie’s classic song, Iron Man, doesn’t make an appearance, unless you count the incredibly weak cover over the ending credits. Back in Black gets airtime during the opening sequence, what a shame they didn’t roll the dice and use Iron Man regardless.

The movie isn’t brilliant art and it isn’t the best thing ever committed to celluloid, but it is a thoroughly entertaining movie and that’s good enough for me. Spring for popcorn and have a heck of a night.