The Spirit, 1.5/5

Rated R. Click here to view the trailer.

I find it impossible to review The Spirit. I can’t tell if it’s a send up of itself or if it is a just a complete and utter failure of a film noir-ish comic book and wannabe-cousin to Sin City. There about an 85 percent chance that I didn't "get" it. In a departure from the normal formula, I’m simply going to describe the plot in detail, and you can decide for yourself if it is a movie you’d like to watch. You might also be interested to know it has a 14 percent freshness rating at Rotten Tomatoes.

Gabriel Macht (Gabriel who?) is The Spirit. He likes cats, wears red ties and runs around in Chuck Taylors. He was once a plucky, idealistic rookie cop who was killed in the line of duty. He is brought back to life and made nearly invincible by the coroner. Whenever he comes close to death, we see Lorelei (Jamie King), a sparkly and blue Angel of Death. That coroner is the Octopus, as played by Samuel L. Jackson. Just so you know, the Octopus only has two arms and two legs. Also, you know that weird brown/black/red “stain” that dogs have around their eyes? The Octopus has those, too.

The Octopus (I keep using his name and not a pronoun because the movie keeps repeating this unexplained moniker) is pretty well invincible too. The Octopus and The Spirit fight in a mud bog. The Spirit punches the Octopus 38 times in a row. POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! POW! The Octopus breaks a toilet over The Spirit’s head. The Spirit pulls a sword out of that was buried hilt-deep in his gut. Later in the movie, the Octopus suffers six gunshots to the head. The Octopus leans over, shakes the Octopus's head, and the bullets fall out. “Smells like scrambled eggs.”

Yeah... I forgot to mention that the Octopus has a thing about eggs. At times the Octopus seems to like eggs, and at other times, the Octopus doesn’t. The Octopus definitely does not like brown eggs. Dirty, dirty brown eggs.

When the Octopus isn’t pontificating on eggs, the Octopus and the Octopus’s assistant, Silken Floss (Scarlet Johansson) are on a quest to obtain the blood of Heracles (Hercules), and apparent immortality. Despite what you’re hoping, Kevin Sorbo does not make an appearance.

Then there’s Sand Serif, played by the exceptionally curvy Eva Mendes. She was a childhood sweetheart of the man-who-would-become The Spirit. She extorts millions of dollars from other criminals, gives the money to charity, then kills them and Her wardrobe was likely designed by Frederick’s of Hollywood. Instead of being obsessed with the blood of Kevin Sorbo, she is more interest in another ancient artifact of ancient Greece, the golden fleece of Jason and the Argonauts. Wouldnjaknowit, Serif has what the Octopus wants, and the Octopus has what she wants.

At some point, The Octopus – decked out in full Nazi garb, jack boots and monocle included – captures The Spirit and sends in a French belly dancer/cutlery enthusiast named Ms. Paris. Her first name? Plaster. Plaster of Paris. Seriously? I'll reluctantly give Sand Serif a pass simply because I love typography so darn much but Plaster of Paris?

Oh, I forgot to mention the Stooge-esque role of The Octopus’s cloned henchmen (Louis Lombardi): Pathos and Ethos and Logos and Huevos (remember, the Octopus has a thing for eggs) and Rancheros and Adios and Amigos and Pogos and Bozos and Matzos and Fatsos… I’ll stop here. I'd hate to ruin one of the true great climaxes of modern cinema. You'd better run out and snatch up a ticket before the lines get to choked with fans desperate to drink of the sweet, sweet cinematic nectar that is The Spirit.