Appaloosa, 2/5

Rated R. Click here to view the trailer.

Westerns, as a genre, have never really done it for me. As of this morning, there were exactly three westerns I've liked (Quigley Down Under, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, and of course, Blazing Saddles). Now that I've sat though two long hours of Appaloosa, there are still three.

Lawmen Virgil (Ed Harris) and Everett (Viggo Mortesen) stroll into the sleepy town of Appaloosa (were there ever any wide awake towns in the Old West?) to rid the town of local badman, Bragg (Jeremy Irons). Bragg, among other personality flaws, gunned down the previous sheriff and this has understandably caused the town aldermen no small amount of stress. Somewhere in there, Miss Allie (the oh so unfortunate looking Renee Zelleweger) enters the picture and inexplicably catches the eye of the good guys and all the bad ones too. I know attractive women-folk were often a rare commodity in 1886 New Mexico, but surely the men weren't this desperate. Everett follows Virgil around like a love-sick puppy dog and it's just weird. No, we're not venturing into Brokeback Mountain territory here, but there is a definite Cowboy Bromance going on.

The real conflict isn't between the two marshals and Bragg. It's supposed to be between our two heroes and the Little Miss Scrunchy Face. Between the Law and feelings. Too bad I wasn't convinced any of those.

Harris is so bland it's impossible to enjoy his character. I've never been a fan of Mortensen and his take on this walking SAT-Vocabulary-Flash-Card-Set of a deputy didn't win me over. Zellweger doesn't have a "good personality" nor is she funny. She officially has nothing going for her. I'm sorry. That's a horrible, horrible thing to say. But seriously, she looks like she just had an allergic reaction to some shellfish.

The lone bright spot is Jeremy Irons. His scenes are the only ones worth watching. I also liked Everett's umm... occasional lady-friend, played by Ariadna Gil.

Harris directed the movie and he fared about as well behind the camera as he did in front of it. The editing is clumsy and music was at times distracting. The script is way too long and skipped right over the natural, satisfying ending and took a logical u-turn and went along for two more subplots and 45 minutes. The actual ending is lame, as if one of the stray bullets got it in the leg.

Did I mention Peter Pettigrew plays one of the town aldermen? Yeah. He does.

Oh, and note to Mr. Harris: Westerns aren't supposed to have narrators.